


0 days… “It’s okay, you’re safe.” - Clarke

by Luxi_Storyteller



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 3 POVS, F/F, Family, Fan fiction references, Snarky!Clarke, Super sweet lexa, Survival, Zombie AU, badass!lexa, clarke is horney, clarke loves books, promise a happy ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-30
Updated: 2016-04-20
Packaged: 2018-05-17 06:10:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 32,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5857168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luxi_Storyteller/pseuds/Luxi_Storyteller
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They came together after the world goes cannibalistic. They had never met, just met writing and reading fan fiction. But they made a deal. They made a deal that led them to each other, we'll everyone but Clarke. They have to go pick up her ass, because she didn't follow the plan. Fucking Clarke. She can't ever follow the fucking plan. </p><p>The love story of Lexa and Clarke, with Octavia's nosey ass continuously cock blocking. Rude, O! Just down right rude. But she does get hit with a dildo so really... It's kinda okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 78 Days… “I feel like I failed you.” - Clarke

**Author's Note:**

  * For [piccilover33](https://archiveofourown.org/users/piccilover33/gifts).



Lexa,

I’m sorry. I know you hate when I apologize or say thank you, but I have to start with this. You deserve to know that I’m sorry. That I screwed up, and if I ever see you again, I will tell you the truth. Tell you that you were right, and I would listen to you.

You were right and I am sorry I couldn’t see that until now. The world is collapsing, and even though I tried to keep my head I couldn’t. I tried to think rather than feel, and I convinced myself that you didn’t need me. But when I saw your eyes that night. I knew. I couldn’t accept it, but I knew. I knew you wanted more but would never tell me. I knew that I could just be there with you without that declaration, but you have to understand that I didn’t think I deserved it.

I feel like I failed you. I need you to know that that day we never talk about, I made the choice because I wanted to protect her. I knew what it meant, but I had been there before. I knew you would save us when you got back and that I just had to hold them off. I need you to know that I tried to fight them off first. I did what you told me. I just wasn’t strong enough. And when it was her or me. I said me. I said me because I wanted Raven to be safe. Octavia needs her, and I didn’t want them to go through what I already understood. So I volunteered to protect her. I’m sorry, because it made it so I couldn’t be the person I thought you wanted.

You shouldn’t have to live a life that you didn’t want, that’s part of the reason I let Monty follow me. I tried to make him stay, but he followed me anyways. But really, that’s why I left. It's been a three months, and I had to find a place to stay. It's too hard to move now. I didn’t think I would even still be alive, but this thing inside of me is alive. I couldn’t kill it, and I would have if I did what I had planned. I tried to get far enough away so you wouldn’t have to find me like that. Funny how time changes things so quickly yet so slowly.  

I think that I’m close now. It could be any day, and I have the admit I am terrified. I never thought I would be alone in a land filled with fucking zombies. It was meant to be a generational joke. I never thought that this could really be a thing. But I’m here. I’m here and I am about to bring a new life into this fucked up world. I always told you I wanted to be a mom. We joked about it in those text messages about the end of the world before I ever even met you. It was a joke because you told me you never wanted kids. And now this is my reality. I never thought it could be like this. I never thought that I would be in this position. So many I nevers that are now I ams. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about when this baby comes. I can’t help but wonder what it will look like. What I will name it. I want it be like you though. If it's a girl, I’ve been thinking of going with Lexa. If it’s a boy then Alex. I know you would hate that, but I smile when I think about it. I smile when I think of you. 

I want this kid to be strong like you. Strong in a way that I never was or will be. I wasn’t made to survive a world like this. I wasn’t meant to live through this. I only did because of you. I am not sure why you all saved me. But thank you. Thank you for coming to get me. I know I put you in a lot danger and I’m sorry for that. I’m sorry I wasn’t better prepared.

I’m going continue writing our story. You know that one we all put in that one journal you brought me. I’m going to tell it in case I don’t make it. Or incase this child wants to know how I survived long enough to give them life. If you ever meet this kid in this fucked up world, I hope they answer those stupid walking dead questions correctly that we never actually tested on anyone. That you, O, Emori, and Ray can find her or him a role in your little community. I am going to do everything I can to get him/her there.

I hope you’re safe, and I know it's dumb but… may we meet again.

Best wishes,

Clarke


	2. 423 Days... “I’m going to get her” - Lexa

I was safe, I would be safe if I just stayed put. That was the hardest thing to leave. I’ve always stuck with the safe choice, which is why I still lived in the small town I was raised in my entire life. That same small town that labeled me and looked at me differently. That same small town that caged me but held everything I had ever known and loved. 

When the news started hitting the internet that weird things were happening and people were attacking and eating each other, I laughed. It simply didn’t affect me. I was miles away from any major city and four hours away from a metropolis. Any sane person would have stayed and I struggled actually leaving, but I had made a stupid promise. 

In a joke that was never supposed to mean anything, I had promised to protect a group of people I had never even met face to face. We had met and bonded over a show on the internet but it became so much more than that. We became friends and bonded over our mutual brokenness.

What started as “Hey, how awesome was last night’s episode?” turned into three am text confessions and midnight tear filled phone calls. Every scar shown proving that family is more than blood. And that is what gave me the strength to finally pack up and fulfill that promise.

I know I should have left as soon as the grid fell and everything truly went to shit. but looking at everything... finally saying goodbye was harder than I thought it would be. 

Childhood memories and pets I had lost along the way. 

Meeting my first love here and having my first kiss there. 

Not to mention the girl who taught me what love really was and what heartbreak felt like. 

I knew they needed me though, we all needed each other if we were going to survive. We all brought some unique trait or talent to the table.  _ Well except for maybe Clarke, but that’s a whole different story. Well, it is this story, but not for now. It’s not even a story. Just us surviving. She’ll explain that part.  _ So with one glance back I left to meet these people I thought I knew so well for the first time.

We had already agreed to meet in Mississippi where Emori lived. . The almost 500-mile journey being a blur of finding food and gas and dropping any dead that stood in my way.  _ I know the others struggle with “killing them.” I saw them for the soulless monsters they were now and not the people they used to be. _

By some strange coincidence Octavia, Raven and I somehow found each other raiding a store for food and supplies, finally finding Em and holing up to wait for Clarke and Finn to arrive.  _ And for me wondering how meeting Finn would turn out. See if I’m being honest, Clarke and I were closer than we should have been. We shared things and we talked about things that we definitely shouldn’t have. I never thought I would ever meet her fiancée and that part of me that thought he wasn’t good enough for her never did want to meet him. _

As the days pass, I get increasingly more worried that something has happened. I try not to think of all the things that could go wrong. I try not to imagine her shuffling along with the rest of the dead.  _ Honestly without Clarke, what am I even doing here? She’s the main reason why I did this. She needed protecting and I knew she would be my voice of reason. She always was. _

I know that it will take a while to make the cross country trek but after a week I finally can’t justify that they are just taking their time. I have to broach the fact that I need to go find her. I can’t expect anyone else to be foolish enough to go but almost everyone is apparently thinking the same thing I am. . I am fully expecting to make the trip alone but when I tell the group that I need to find Clarke, Em’s soft reply of “When do we leave?” surprised me. 

O being quick on her heels with a snarky “About time” forced a huff of a laugh from me before I could stop it. The fight that ensued after that would have been comical if it had been in a different setting . In the end it takes O almost a week to convince Raven that we are going to Arizona to find Clarke and protect her like we promised.   _ How she ended up doing that or what she said to her isn’t my part of the story to tell. Maybe one day we’ll all be lucky enough to hear that one. _

That is how I find myself sitting next to Emori heading down back roads with O and Rav following trying to avoid being eaten alive by now very real and not funny zombies.

-Lexa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We live off comments and kudos. Please tell us what you think! This is Tone's first piece so show our Lexa some love!
> 
> Also, you can find us on tumblr. Luxstoryteller, shaneycakes-1131, and tone83.


	3. 420 Days- And That's When I Shot My First Victim- Octavia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> add me on tumblr and let's be best friends: http://shaneycakes-1131.tumblr.com/

I don’t know who will even read this. Fuck, I don’t know who will even be able to read-- but I need our story to be told. I’m going to do the one thing that I still know how to do-- I’m going to write... and if you read this, know that I’ve tried. I’ve tried to tell you the truth. I’ve tried to tell you every detail. I’ve tried to protect us, but more importantly, I’ve tried to make us immortal.

We all came from different walks of life. 

Clarke was born of chaos, forged in the fires of hell, and pampered herself like a queen after everything that she had seen. Shit, she deserved it. She deserved the world after all of it, but I couldn’t tell her that.... Even if I had basically done so a thousand times. She had quickly become one of my closest friends after we began chatting about literature and art and life. You see, Clarke was what I wanted to be. When I first published my work on the website that she and I met on, she was the first person to read it and reply to it. Just when I was about to scrap and destroy everything and start over, she encouraged me to continue working on it. She did that with everything. She did that with my life.

I hope you never experience the cold, hard darkness of nights with depression, but god forbid, if you do, I hope that someone like Clarke is there to walk you through it. She has a way of making you want to continue when you don’t think that you can. She has a way of forcing you to see the goodness in things. She has a heart of gold and an inherent ability to go toe-to-toe with me when I fight back-- not many people could do this. Not many people could have kept me alive that long.

When she first said that she was going to be useless during a zombie apocalypse, I snorted a laugh from the inside of Raven and I’s kitchen, replying quickly to the message on my phone before I slid it back into my pocket and continued cleaning our house. My phone buzzed incessantly that day as we made our plans and talked in jest about something that would become all too real, all too fast.

Lexa’s a weird one-- that’s for sure. Commander Moody-Pants, as I’ve taken a liking to calling her (much to her dismay) has seen the inner linings of the pockets of every demon in hell. She’s danced with the devil and played chess with the best of them... even though she’ll never tell you this. She’s the quiet type-- the silent but deadly, but you can see it in her eyes and the way that she whimpers in her sleep, her arms pulled tight to her chest as her breathing hitches every couple of minutes. She still fights wars that ended years ago, trying to bring balance to an over-darkened world. Even when we don’t agree and even when I fuck everything up, I know she’ll have my back-- one way or another. It’s just how she is. Honestly, if you ever get the chance to sit down and talk it out with someone like Lexa, and you’ll know them when you see them, please do. Not all angels don wings and halos.

Emori is a walking ray of sunshine. Even when the shit hit the fan, she was perfection. On more than one occasion I would text her with a simple ‘Hey’ message and she would instantly know that I wasn’t doing well. She would know that my mind was in a dark place and that I was struggling to keep my head above. It worked both ways though. For all of the light that Emori brought into the world, she struggled sometimes to find her own. It still blows my mind when I look at her and the scars that line her biceps to think that there’s ever a moment that this woman, my walking warmth, could feel alone within her own soul. She’s smart too, and pretty, and funny-- in spite of what she’s chosen to tell herself over the years. She’s pretty much the glue that has held this group together for twenty-four hours now, even if we don’t understand why. Honestly, Emori is probably the closest thing to perfection that exists in this terrible world.... well, the second closest.

Because then there’s Raven. Now Raven is perfection. I may be biased, but Raven is the closest thing to a young god than I have ever seen elsewhere. In order to understand why I think this, I need you to understand one really important and really big part of who I am-- I am broken. I always have been. I always will be. When Raven and I met, I was even more destroyed than now. We met at a movie showing with friends and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. She was cute, and sexy, and had a smile that made me want to be a better person-- just for her. Before I even knew her name, I knew that I wanted her. She is funny and beautiful and smart-- one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. She’s seen the inside of the deepest pits of hell and came out on the other side, even if darkness still walks with her on some days. She would spend many nights holding me while I cried, holding my hair while I puked up the contents of my stomach, and watching as I trembled off the effects of the drugs in my system before we would get to the point where we met the others. God knows I wouldn’t have survived without her.

God knows I can’t survive without her.                                                     

But she was never too fond of Clarke. You see, Raven doesn’t do well with change and that’s exactly what everyone in our party represented. First it was a change in my life-- rather than sleeping in and talking about work with her, I would wake up early to write and would converse about how my new project was progressing. This was an adjustment but Raven was excited for me, even if things changed a little bit. When the world began caving around us, things changed even more. The fact that I already had a plan in place upset her only because I had never told her about it (let’s be honest, why would I? This was supposed to be a joke), but when I told her that the plan had been made with Clarke, it was worse. She didn’t like Clarke because Clarke was artistic. She didn’t like Clarke because she was afraid that Clarke was something that she wasn’t. What Raven never could, and probably never would understand is that Raven is exactly what I want. She is exactly what I need.

When we left down Interstate 55 in her car, leaving our home to the wilderness that would inevitable grow around it, we took six duffle bags, 4 backpacks, and a plastic tote with us-- all of the things that I had told Lexa, Emori, and Clarke that we would bring. Little did I know that before we even reached the meeting point that many of those supplies would prove useless.

We were to meet near Emori’s place in Oxford, Mississippi. She was holed up with a couple of friends when Lexa and I stumbled across her after meeting up at a deserted gas station.She was waiting in the basement of a college dorm with a small arsenal of weaponry that she had brought from her family’s home in Northern Georgia and a smile plastered across her face. What a contrast between the Remington 1100 shotgun in her hands and the glow on her face. I always wanted to ask her what happened to her family-- but I knew better. We all did things that we never thought we would be capable of. I didn’t want this to be one of THOSE conversations.

When Clarke never showed, Lexa was the first of us to offer an idea. She was right, in spite of what rational thought and reason protested. She was right in spite of what Raven protested. We had to go find her. So we did, driving down Interstate 55 until it met with Interstate 40 and took us out into the desert and closer to my best friend.

If I’m going to explain anything clearly, it needs to be this-- I have no clue what I’m doing. I tactually rarely have any clue what I’m doing, in spite of what i’m going to try to convince you, but this… this plague… this apocalypse… this world of guns and violence and hate-- I have no clue how to do that. My life may have been about survival, but it never included guns and murder. I may have been from Memphis, but I was absolutely not Memphis material. Everyone that was with us as the fall knew this-- most of all my bosses. They were the nicest, kindest sould I had ever met, even when we argued about politics and marketing strategies. You see, I met them when I stumbed into a martial arts studio, looking to continue my training and not searching for a job. Then things began going down hill for Raven and I. I lost my teaching job, she got in a car wreck, our house started to fall apart, I got extremely sick and after hospital bills and debt and almost losing ourselves to the depression that came with, the owners of the academy were there for me. They gave me a job doing something that I loved. They offered help when they could. They did everything in their power to keep my head above and it was exactly what we needed to show us that light still existed. This didn’t change even when the world did.  We met them on our way out of town and they told us to be safe, handing my my first piece that had not been stolen from a caved in pawn shop or scavenged off of a corpse. It was the nicest of the guns that I carried with me, and was the first one that I used to murder my first living, breathing human being.

Sure, I’ve grown cold and calloused to pulling the trigger that would end a life now, but playing God was never supposed to be my endgame. He put a hand on Raven though, holding a knife to her neck from the inside of a convenience store that we thought was empty. We were honestly only stopping in for tampons, but when I heard the struggle from the other side of the almost emptied aisle shelves and saw his head from between two boxes of off-brand Captain Crunch, I acted without thought, lifting my small pistol and squeezed the trigger-- not jolting-- exactly as my grandfather had taught me, and put the bullet through his temple, his blood spilling across the side of my lover’s face. Emori watched helplessly from in front as the man fell to the floor on top of Raven, her screams summoning Lexa who found me collapsed to the dusty ground gripping my gun as I trembled, mumbling to myself through my deep breathing.

I may have been forged from iron and steel, struggling with the world which had been trying to turn me into a monster since day 1, but inside, I was just a helpless child-- we all were.

Number 9: Male. Living person. Convenience Store Aisle 2. Gun.

It was only a few more hours of Lexa driving the Jeep, Emori following closely behind in Raven’s Element as I held my girlfriend in the backseat, both of us unable to even speak about what happened before we found Clarke. I don’t think that Clarke understood that the faces that Raven was making weren’t directed towards her inherently. We never spoke of that moment again and, as far as I know, Clarke would never know about the first time that I killed for her.

In fact, none of them would ever know about the first time that I killed for them-- not even Raven. Sure, there was the moment in the convenience store, but that wasn’t the first time, necessarily. I mean, that was the first time that the person had a heart beat-- that was the first time that the person was living, but there were others.

When we were loading up the Element at the house, there was a noise from beside the fence separating our yard from our drug dealing neighbor’s house. Sure, a recovering drug addict living in the ghetto in between an old semi-abandoned trap house and a drug dealing gang member was probably not our best move, but Raven always kept me safe from my own demons and our drug dealing street-mates always kept us safe from the dangers of the outside world. We thought for sure that Dee would be safe with his barred up windows and state-of-the-art security system, but when the switch flipped in the brains of the already infected, Dee was apparently one of the first to go. Turning the corner to Dee’s lot, I came face-to-face with what this disease could do. Squatting next to his German Shepherd guard dog was a blood covered, growing, disconnected version of the man who had saved me from drug pushers and homeless assholes who were squatting in my backyard. He rose to his feet and lunged at me after a moment of connection where I thought, if only for that second, that there was life left inside of him. I was wrong, and this was obvious when his body met with mine, cold and distant, a corpse walking. Moving quickly, I kicked his ankle out from under his leg, his body dropping to the ground in front of me. Before I could think any more, I drew my gun, shooting my neighbor directly between the eyeballs.

And that’s when I shot my first victim, the first notch on a constantly growing list of sins that I will never be able to repay.

_ Number 1: Male. Neighborhood friend.  1817 East 22 _ _ nd _ _ Street. Gun _ .

Reaching into my car, I changed my blood covered shirt; the ice cold callouses already beginning to form around my insides before I couldn’t take it anymore. Folding over, my hands fell to my knees as I vomited up the contents of my stomach, my insides landing next to those of the dead corpse of my neighbor. With the slamming of Raven’s car door, I lifted myself back up, wiping my mouth and pocketing my small gun, making my way to my love who asked if I was ready to go, shaking her keys as she spoke. I nodded, kissing her cheek and taking my seat, vowing to never speak of my first kill again. 

There were others-- 7 more to be exact before the convenience store, but none as shocking as what would come that first night at camp. None proved to me what kind of monster I was capable of becoming until that first night at camp, after we finally found Clarke a prisoner in her own house.


	4. 420 Days…“It’s just me.” - Clarke

It all started a few days before Christmas. We met through this online story website. I know you will probably never know what this is, but basically it was a way to share information without seeing another person. They called it the internet and it hit every household when I was about 12.

We met through strange coincidences of replying to each other, and in the end developed a friendship that led to a spur of the moment message from Octavia. 

Her message was simple, but to the point. I was sitting on the couch with my fiancé, Finn when I got it. It wasn’t late, but normally I wouldn’t be on my phone because Finn didn’t like me sharing  _ our _ time. I laughed though when I opened it at first because it was so off the wall. Finn looked at me skeptically. He hated that there were people in my life that he couldn’t dictate. 

“Octavia just started planning a zombie plan,” I tell him. He huffed in annoyance as he returned to his one player Xbox1 game. 

I read over the text again: “I’m watching The Walking Dead in a zombie apocalypse we need to meet up okay? Because these people are dumb and I don't want you to be surrounded by dumb people in the end of the world. I will protect you.”

A moment later the phone buzzed again, “Deal?”

I sat there for a minute looking over Finn as he yelled at Lara Croft and popped the top to another Bud Lite. He was a good man, I mean… I agreed to marry him, and we were working on his control issues. I considered that if I was going to make a plan that it should be with him. I’m not sure why, but as I watched him flip off the screen, I just couldn’t see him protecting me in the apocalypse. I couldn’t see us surviving man eating post-dead beings.  

But I texted O back with just the word, “Deal.”

I don’t know why. We had never met, and our lives were so dramatically different. However, we started the plan. I suggested including Lexa and Emori in the plan as well. I don’t know why, but I figured it would be a good idea.

After hours of planning between Em, O and me, I got a text from Lexa. I was in bed, and Finn was snoring loudly next to me. The only reason I was actually awake to hear the soft vibration coming from the nightstand. 

Lexa apparently had slept through the 200 messages, and needed an update. So I gave it to her, and she laughed at me. I explained explained that during the plan I learned that out of the four of us, I was the most useless. Apparently these people actually prepared for shit like this. I didn’t. Laughed at how ridiculous I am. Laughed at how we didn’t even make a plan. No, we just talked about my uselessness for two hundred texts.

Lexa was actually the one that ended up coming up with the plan. In one of our AU discussions that we never should’ve had since I am with Finn and Lexa is on the other side of the country. But she made the plan with where we would meet. How long it would take, and where we planned to go. Like Lexa put in the fuckign research to make it so we would survive. This is only one of the reasons that I love Lexa. She doesn’t just dream, she makes dreams come true. 

The thing was, my life was comfortable in my suburban home and eco-friendly car. I had a job working with juvenile delinquents and I came home to Finn each night. My life was set. It was set and I enjoyed writing emotionally trying stories and talking with Lexa.

To be honest, I talked with Lexa more than I should. Between messaging, this photo thing where you could send pictures to someone far away, and a daily phone call, I felt like I knew Lexa. Knew her as much as anyone can know Lexa. She’s a puzzle you see. Wrapped in this world of being the sweetest, most caring person alive, at the same time as being conceited and spouting off about love being bullshit.

She told me she loved me once, but followed it with, “If you ever say that I said that I will deny it.” Which was honest, because she did deny it every time I brought it up.

But that’s where the plan started. Octavia said she wanted to protect me, and Lexa and I agreed to be there for each other. That she would protect me, along with Octavia, and I was supposed to cook.

It was supposed to be just a dumb plan. But the world fell apart less than a year later. Less than a year after the spur of the moment conversation. It was fast, and everything we knew was gone in a manner of weeks.

My comfortable life became hiding in the house after barricading the windows. A dark musk settling in my once bright home. The end of refrigerated food, and the temporary home made fireplace that we had to create to cook food since the electricity went down.

The food ran out quicker than we thought. I mean I had never been a preparer. I brought fresh ingredients every few days. Cooked with them them, and then went to the market again the next day. But there wasn’t a market now. It was just the fucking desert and me. I tried to garden, but Finn didn’t like me going outside. 

We had several conversations about him not being able to keep me inside forever, while he cried literal tears claiming to want to protect me and keep me safe. However, the line was drawn when he pushed me into the wall, growling in anger that he would go find us food. That I would not leave this house. he was scared because the monsters were not just the dead walking and he never wanted to know that someone else had their hands on me. 

I conceded. 

I knew he was hungry and tired. I knew he was frustrated that the garden had been raided already, and the chance of finding anything out there was slim to none. I knew that he just wanted to protect me. To keep me his. 

But there was nothing to eat, and going to sleep hungry was becoming a norm. A norm that I swore at seventeen I would do anything to never have to do it again. I was trying to hold it together, but a hungry Finn was a somewhat violent Finn. I would be lying to say that I wasn’t scared. I would be lying to say that I didn’t regret not leaving like I had promised I would do. But I had made conflicting promises, and I was scared. I was scared of what Lexa would actually think of me. So I stayed. I stayed and I kiss him goodbye, as he took the ladder through the attic hatch.

Finn left three days before the front door was broken free from the frame. 

He left to find those cans foods I was so against before all this.. 

He left in the Mazda... but he didn’t come back.

I waited after he left for him to return from a trip that he promised would only take two hours.

As I waited, I thought about the plan that I had not included him in. The plan that I was supposed to leave the day things went crazy, because I was the farthest away. And the thing was, when two hours came and went, I wasn’t upset. I wasn’t upset after twenty-four hours as I rubbed at the bruises on my wrists from his grip as he told me I was not going. 

I was alone now though. I was alone enough to think about how scared I was to leave, because I didn’t know what was coming from out there. I was scared, and I wondered if the girls were serious, but Lexa’s words echoed in my mind, “Clarke, loyalty is my strongest value. When I say something I mean it.”

She said she would wait for me. She said if I didn’t show then she would find me. Apart of me worried and even justified staying with Finn because I knew him. I knew Lexa… but I didn’t. I didn’t know if she would act the same way. I knew she was protective. I knew that from the night she tried to buy a plane ticket to come to my rescue after another heated argument.

I was scared that I would find me a new hole to be buried alive in. I didn’t know if her version of protection was the same as his. What I knew was I was scared. 

What I knew was that my stomach was aching in hunger. What I knew was that it was time to leave and find her… well of them, but really I was going for Lexa. I can deny it all I want, but I am going for Lexa. Because she said she would look for me. And for some reason, I knew that no matter what, I would look for her too. 

I moved through the house and gathered my supplies. There wasn’t much. A hiking backpack that I filled with two changes of clothes, a shit ton of socks, and  _ other _ necessities,  _ you know like tampons and tooth paste _ . I packed Finn’s hunting knives, and I secured the set of arrows and composite bow that hung in the garage to my pack as well.

I looked over the road Atlases. I located the meeting place, and mapped it out with a sharpie over the map. I put the maps in the front seat of the Prius. I planned how I would get to where we were supposed to meet. It would take me a few days because I would be driving alone, but the car could go up to 500 miles without stopping for gas. I worried about what I would do then, but there wasn’t much time to think about it.

It was a fact.

It was going to happen, so the goal was to get as far as I could without it. Because when I got to a point that I am on foot, well, I am fucked. I only had hope to go and find the girls, because I was alone now.  _ I was alone in the world before Finn, and now I was alone again. _ All that I had left was this twisted friendship with people I had never met.

I can’t think about that now, though. Right now, I have to figure out what I am going to take with me.I tugged at my pants. They are already a sagging, where they had been snug been before this whole thing started. I pulled out the Northface jacket Finn bought me for that one trip to the snow two winters prior. I had gained weight and it didn’t fit so well this last year, but as I tried it on I found it was a little large now. It’s dumb but it felt good after hearing fo the last several months how I had gained weight. I packed two beanies, and an ASU baseball cap, along with some mittens. I didn’t know where for sure we would end up, but I wanted to be prepared for the cold.

I loaded my car with my pack. Some blankets, two pillows, and all of the camping equipment we had in the garage still in boxes because it was never used. Everything I could thing of may be helpful was also put in the backseat. I didn’t know what to expect once I left the garage. I hadn’t made any runs. 

The hardest part was not packing all of my pots and pans. The pots and pans that Lexa had teased me over the phone about. The only things I loved as much as Starbucks. I could pack them all, but the heavier the car was, the faster it would burn through gas. My pots and pans were heavy, because they were the best. The best $4000 could buy. In the end I choose two, and hoped that Lexa would help me find new ones. Because she had to be alive. 

As I finished up, I heard vehicles pull up outside. One had squeaky breaks, and I moved to the front of the house quietly. Dropping to my knees, I crawled along the floor to the front window. I peeked out the small hole Finn had drilled to see when raiders came. Finn knew that it would come to this. Houses being raided, and the type of people that raided homes, were either helpless like me or not too nice of people. I became scared of every knock at the door, or voice of a still person. I knew that I couldn’t get out quietly, and in truth if the house caught fire, I would have burned to death.

The first car was a dirty a green Jeep. The second a black, Honda Element, equally covered in dirt and mud. I duck down when I see the door of the jeep open. I duck even though the hole is tiny and the likelihood of whoever this was seeing me, and choosing to come into my house in the track of like 100 homes. 

Yeah, I was actually losing my mind. Unable to process simplistic logical or reasonable thinking. 

No, animalistic survival with the intelligence of an ostrich.  

Moving back into the master bedroom. I hid myself between the shoe holder and Finn’s jeans in the farthest closet. I hid and hoped that they would give up once it was kind of difficult to get inside.

It wasn’t that difficult though.

I don’t know what they used but the first hit to the door was hard, and my blood began to rush faster through my head. _ They must have known that I was inside. They must have seen Finn leave, or they saw me at the peep hole. Why am I so stupid? _

The second hit was just as hard, and I swear I heard the door give.  _ They must have seen me.  _ They must have seen me, and I am so stupid that I barricaded myself in a fucking closet. A closet that I will never be able to escape if these are the wrong kind of raiders.

I closed my eyes, and I started to pray to a god that I don’t even believe in. I started to pray that they would kill me first. Kill me before hurting me. I pray for them to be armed, and make it fast.

My blood is rushing through my ears so hard that I don’t hear them in the house at first. It's not until there is someone in my bedroom that I hear them moving around. The room tilts on its axis, and my heart slams erratically against my sternum. My lungs are threatening to give way, when the pants are pulled back.

I remember bracing myself for a shot in the head. But it didn’t come. It didn’t come and I knew that it would be worse. It would be worse, because there were hands on my arms and they were pulling on me. Pulling me out of the closet and into my bedroom.

I started to fight, but I couldn’t…. I couldn’t fight because there was no point. I knew what was going to happen. I knew that I would spend my last few moments under whoever’s hands were on me, only to die when they were finished… or worse, live. Live and continue to live, and live if they kept me like a trained bitch. 

“Just kill me,” I beg hoarsely. My throat burns as bile rises and eats away at my esophagus.. I plead for whoever is touching me to kill me because I can’t do this again. “Please,” and my tears were burning my cheeks.

I was so lost in my head imagining the last years of my life. Remembering when we bought the house, and how we had a kitten. A kitten named Orion that was white and fluffy. I remember Finn on his knee proposing, and being so happy. Finally at peace. I try not to remember the rough times we had or how worried he became over being the only person I would ever need. I try to just stay in my happy zone that I had learned to build so many years ago. 

I tried so hard, and was so proficient at it that it took me several minutes to realize that my clothes were still on, and that no one was hurting me. No, the arms around me were slim and warm, and they were wrapped around me almost protectively. It was terrifying because Finn was the only person that touched me whether I liked it or not. But these arms were different. 

When I opened my eyes, I saw camo first. A camo jacket and jeans tucked into large black boots. I take a deep breath, and the wash of clean scent overwhelmed me. It’s fruity, like peaches, and my first thought was that I love peaches. It was the dark curls falling around me that made me look up. Look up to see the concerned green eyes that I would never be able to forget staring down at me.

“It’s okay… you’re safe,” Lexa’s voice quietly promises. A voice I wasn’t sure I would ever hear again. A voice stern with a slight Midwestern drawl. A voice I was still not convinced is real.

I reached up and touched her jaw.

I knew that this must be a dream. No way did Lexa travel from Illinois to Arizona to get me.

“You’re not real,” I told her. But the woman pinched me. Not softly. She pinched me hard, and the bruise was almost immediate.

I jumped and cried out. “What the fuck?”

She smiled though. She smiled at me and it was warm, and maybe relieved. Gesturing to herself, she said with a wink, “This is not a dream. This is all reality.”

I should roll my eyes, but instead I wrap my arms around her neck and squeeze. I squeeze her reality until the clearing of a throat interrupts our first meeting.

“This is cute and all, but we have to go.”

It was Octavia. Her eyes hardened and I saw the stress and exhaustion etching away at her face. She looked relieved as well. She was smaller than I thought she was in real life, and I snort as I looked up and realized that when we joked about my tits being bigger then her whole body, we may have not been exaggerating. She was almost as small as me, just and inch or two bigger, and I am surprised Lexa hasn’t lost her cool over all the little people walking around her. 

I released Lexa, even though I wanted to cling to her and breath in the smell of something other than dusk and dank body odor that had filled my house. But I needed to back off. I didn’t even know for sure if Finn was really gone, and I didn’t even know for sure if Lexa wanted me touching her. So I released her. I released her, and felt her body move only a few inches away. Even as we stood in the dank bedroom. It felt good that she kept her hand on my hip supporting me, something I never thought I would be comfortable with.  Her hand keeping me from falling into a tomb that I let Finn surround me in. 

When I am on my feet, I look up at her. She’s taller than me, but we already knew that. She hates small people. She has told me so when we discussed Willy Wonka and that one weekend she decided to watch all of the Harry Potter movies just to show me I was special to her. Well that’s what I thought and I mean she was forever and a day away, but hey I was allowed to dream.

I raised a hand to Octavia. Waving with just my fingers, I say, “Hi.”

She snorts when she laughs at me. Shaking her head, she nods. A smile growing across her face, she told me, “I told you I would come get you.” I feel Lexa’s hand grip into my hip a little. I wonder if she’s being protective over me like she said she always would be. But Octavia is gone before I can really make sense of anything. 

Lexa’s hand was on my arm, and I wonder if she was trying to also determine if I was real. I mean she hasn’t let go of me. Her hand was rough with callouses, and while that could scare me, it doesn’t. It doesn’t scare me. No, her hands make me feel safe. 

She asked, “Where is your stuff?”

I pointed out of the room towards the garage. “In my car. I was getting ready to leave.”

She nods, and then she looked around as if she just remembered something. “Where’s Finn?”

Taking in her eyes, I can’t tell if she is happy or worried that he is not here. Hell, I can’t even figure out which I want. Every altercation with Finn, every shitty comment thrown at me, Lexa had heard. Lexa had been there. Her eyes drop from mine, and her thumb runs over the purple and yellow on my right wrist. When they raise to me again, her eyes are angry. 

I take a deep breath, and answer, “It’s just me.” Because it is just me. Even if Finn walked through the door right now, the look in Lexa’s eyes just told me that there is no way in hell he would be going with us, and what was also there was that there was no way in hell I wasn’t going with them.  

She closed her eyes then. I always wondered what she was thinking in that moment. I wondered if she had hoped to find us together. I wondered if she hoped to find me alone. I don’t know which I would prefer to have her thinking. I am kinda glad that when it came to stuff like this… we really just didn’t talk about it.

We leave the bedroom, and I see the tall woman in the large space. The thing is the space looks like it fits her, while it really dwarfs me. Emori was by our side in a moment, and she wrapped me in a hug. It was tight, like she would never let me go. I hugged her back, my arms fully around her waist and held her to me. It was good to feel someone pressed in tight. To know I wasn’t alone.

But I won’t lie I wish this wasn’t the real world. I wished that we could have all just met at Comicon to watch that damn show’s panel interviews. 

Emori smiled, and said, “Clarke, it's so great to finally meet you in the real world.”  _ The real world. This was the real world now.  _

Emori was pulling at my hand. Tugging me through my house. The house that I haven’t seen since that afternoon. She has me in the back of the Jeep before I can fully process that we walk through the splintered door, and the warm sun is touching my skin. Touching my skin that was missing its usual sweater. The first time in possibly a year that I have left the house without being covered from neck to toe.

Emori stood next to the jeep, watching around the street. She didn’t say anything just stands by with a smile as though this was just another day. Something I learned to really love about Em. 

Octavia tosses my bag in the back with me, before she disappears back into the house. When she is back, she has my bow and arrows in as well. I watched them take some of my stuff, but really they left all of the camping equipment. All of the blankets and stuff I packed. 

I realized that they were realizing the truth, that in this world I am useless. I looked back at the Element and see Raven sitting in the SUV behind the wheel. She was scowling at me, and I know she must be annoyed they came to get me. I waved lightly, just my fingers moving. The woman nods back in a greeting.As she nods, Octavia got in the car, though, and they leaned into each other sharing a brief kiss.

I smiled then. I know I did because they made it together. It made me miss Finn, and I dropped my eyes to my hands. I missed him because he left to protect me. Everything he did was to protect me. Just like what they were doing was to protect me. I knew it was out of their way to come get me. They came to save me though. They came to save me, even though they knew that I was useless in this world. No training I had had prepared me to survive in this world.

I only looked up from my hands that I was squeezing, to see Lexa dumping my pots and pans on the floor next to me. She didn’t say a word more than what I think was her muttering, “jok prisa.” I knew that was Lexa own made up language, well I think it may actually be from the show we watched, but who the fuck would really know. I only watched it to see the two girls make-out. I have heard her say it before, and I know that “jok” meant fuck or fucking, and I know that “prisa” meant princess, or priss, and I know that she was cussing me out at the moment.  It was okay, because Lexa knew how important those damn things were to me. Well, are to me. 

I watched her walk around to the front of the Jeep. She pulled herself up to the front seat of the Jeep. I’m surprised because I expected her to be driving. When Emori gets into the driver’s seat, she smiled at Lexa. Lexa doesn’t return her smile. They apparently are not that close, even after driving to find me. I wonder if they get along. I had never seen them communicate much. Normally tied into a conversation together only because of Octavia or me. One thing Em did know was that I had been crushing on Lex for months. That was probably one of the only real conversation I had ever had was with Emori about being worried over Lexa getting hurt.  

The air was dry and I could see the dust and pollen floating around me, and the slight breeze that rolled through the open top made me relax a little. It was the beginning of summer, the time when the neighborhood would open its windows and doors for the last few days before we hit the triple digits. The rays beating through the glass, warmed my skin. I haven’t felt the rays since Finn put up the plywood over the windows. It felt wonderful. I reached up and touched the glass. It was warm, and my fingers left a mark.

When I look up, I see Lexa watching me. Her eyes looking me over. Measuring me. And I worried for a second that I may fall into the category of things at are too small for comfort.

She turned around when Emori pulled away from the house. Emori pulled away, and drove down the empty streets like it was just a normal day, even stopped at stop signs and lights. It was surreal to think that our country had changed like this so quickly.

I leaned my head back on the seat. I’m not sure why or how, but I fell asleep feeling for the first time safe. Feeling like maybe this is where I was supposed to end up.

~Clarke


	5. 420 Days… “We all have our kinks.” -Lexa

I am cramped and I’ve been cooped up in a vehicle for far too long. I twist and try to stretch my legs out as best I can but it only makes it worse. I’m tense and I have no outlet. I’ve had no outlet for far too long and it’s driving me crazy. I can’t help the growl that slips from my throat.

Emori just laughs. She always just laughs though so I just glare at her and kindly tell her fuck off. Still laughing as she says “We need to stop for gas soon.”

“I know.” I sigh.

I glance in the mirror at Clarke’s still sleeping form. I can’t believe that she is still asleep. I know she must need to go to the bathroom. I remember all the times we talked on the phone and she took such enjoyment in peeing while on the phone. I wonder to myself if I should wake her. Maybe see if she’s ok or if she needs anything. But then I know she’s not comfortable being touched. I know I hugged her at the house but I couldn’t figure out any other way to reach her. I’m around her and not even five minutes in I’ve potentially made her uncomfortable. I’m still kicking myself for that.

“Fuck. Just signal them.” I say. Em just looks at me. I wonder if she feels the weight of my thoughts sometimes. I wonder what goes on in that head of hers. I’ve always been horrible at connecting to people and she has never offered anything of herself. I don’t have time for that right now. I simply tilt my head up towards the car ahead of us belonging to O and Raven.

I lay my head against the glass of the window and close my eyes trying to quiet my mind. I hear the familiar click of the lights three times and then then shut off and back on again in our code. I completely zone out and lose myself to the lull of the road.

“Hey” Emori calls.

I open my eyes and see a small gas station coming into view thanks to Raven’s headlights.

After a quick sweep and gladly little fanfare we are filling up the cars and as many gas cans as we can fit into the already overstuffed vehicles. I grab Octavia and simply point at Clarke. “This isn’t right; she should be awake by now.”

She simply shrugs and says “Maybe she needs this. Who knows how long it’s been since she’s had a good sleep.”

I run my hand through my hair and feel it tangle.  _ I need to figure out what to do with this untamable mess. Fuck I miss my straightener.  _ “Still, it’s not right. I don’t like it”

She just huffs and smiles. “Look she’s probably just dealing. We don’t know what she went through.” She just cocks her head and adds “I say we just let her wake up when she’s ready.”

I acquiesce and nod but before I can say anything we hear the telltale moan come from darkness. Octavia lightly punches me on the shoulder and smirks. “Go on. It’ll make you feel better Hulk Smash.”  _ O and her penchant for giving me nicknames. That one came from a night when my anger got the better of me. One that my anger controlled me until my fist meeting a door finally gave me the clarity to take control again. _

We finish and load back up. Thankfully I get to drive again. At least it gives me something to occupy my mind. Em shakes her head and the movement catches my attention.

“What?” I ask.

She looks at me for a second and I almost think she is not going to answer me. I guess she was just weighing her words though because she looks ahead and just says “You’re twisted. Sometimes I think you enjoy killing them.”

“We all have our kinks.” I mutter and I swear I don’t think her eyes could get any wider without them falling out. The silence that follows is so thick though you could cut it. So I actually explain why. That if it was me I would hope someone would do the same. That someone would free my body from endlessly roaming.

-Lexa


	6. 419 Days… “Get out of my kitchen, Lexi.” - Clarke

I wake in the backseat, and what looks like the day had already begun its shift into night. I am surprised that no one woke me. The setup of camp was probably difficult, at least I think it would be. Especially if their tents had those stupid little poles. 

Looking out at the three tents set in a triangular fashion around the fire and the deteriorating concrete curb-like things, I realize that we are literally at some sort of camp grounds. With a fire already started in the center a small pot hanging above the fire from an interesting hook thingy. I count the tents again. I remember that no one grabbed my camping gear, and I feel suddenly awkward at knowing that I would end up having to share with someone.

Stepping out of the Jeep, I feel the pressure in my bladder threatening to end me. I don’t see how it could be this bad when I could have only been asleep for a few hours. But my teeth are floating in my mouth, and it makes me queasy. I take a few tentative steps around the vehicle, and drop my pants to relieve myself. I’m sure there is a bathroom nearby, but I really can’t hold it that long. 

I am creating quite a puddle, when I realize that I forgot to grab anything to manage clean up. I hear a soft whistle from behind the Jeep, and when I look over there is a hand holding out a roll of toilet paper.

“Thanks,” I say, feeling my gravely voice scratch out of my dehydrated throat.

A shoe kicks a rock and then Lexa answers, “Welcome.” I hear her walk away then, and I wonder if this is Lexa in real life.

When I’m done, I notice that the bumper of the Jeep holds a small bottle of hand sanitizer. I sigh in relief, and squirt that cold liquid gel-like substance into my hands. There’re a lot of things that have changed in the world. Like being able to wash my hands repeatedly in one day. I’m sorry. I will try to use less detail about this sort of stuff later. I have to save my eraser though for things I really need to change. 

As I start to make my way into the camp, I hear rustling in the trees not to far from me. My skin prickles, and I feel my heart beating too fast. I don’t know why, but I step towards the noise. I shouldn’t be, but I’m curious. Finn stopped letting me leave the house with the first images of what was happening showed on the news. Because Phoenix was so large, it hit us all hard and quickly, though I still don’t know how. 

As I find my way several feet into the tall shaded area, and I hear the rustling again, but I don’t see anything. I don’t see anything until there is a lanky mutt making its way quickly towards me. A large tongue hanging out, and skids to a stop just in front of me. 

The bulky head twists and looks at me, as it’s butt hits the ground. I smiled and slowly knelt, holding out the back of my hand. I can tell just by the way it’s little head twists that the dog is nothing more than a pup. His paws huge, signalling he has quite a bit of growing still to do.

“Hey,” I say softly, and he gets up coming a little closer. I wait patiently, thinking that the cuts on his body show me he probably is a lot like me. A little banged up and pretty fucking scared. But his wet tongue comes out of his mouth, and I feel it coat my hand before he comes up and flops his awkward body in my lap. Pushing my ass back in the dirt. 

His ears perk up, when someone yells out, “Clarke! Where are you?” The voice is slightly panicked, and he shuffles to his feet looking back towards where I had come. 

I take a step towards the voice and he follows me. I smile, and wonder if they would let me keep him. I mean I know I haven’t shown them anything yet, but I can’t just leave him here. He’s just a pup. 

“Come on,” I tell him, and I walk to the trees. I can only hope that he will continue to follow, and with each step I check and see if he is still following. 

Octavia is standing at the jeep. A gun in her tiny hands, and when she looks at me, her eyes trail to the mutt at my feet. “You are awake for five minutes and already gathering homeless creatures.” her head shakes, but she laughs, and puts the gun in the holster at her hip. The sound of her voice was balanced, but I could tell she was freaking out. I feel bad for scaring her. 

I reached down and scratched behind his ears, and he sat his ass on my shiney boot. “I… he just…”

Octavia is still shaking her head, and asked, “Did you name him already? We can’t tell you no if you named him.”

Racking my brain, I said, “Monty.”

She pointed to me, and said, “Commander Moody is going to have a field day with this. No way queen of clean is going to let that flea bag in her tent.”

I look down at Monty, and know that meant, Lexa planned on sharing her tent with me. We had always joked that we could never share a tent because of all the dirty things we would do to each other, but I guess I ruined that in ten minutes with a puppy. “It’s okay, we’ll figure it out,” I told him and he just leaned his head back on me. 

As I entered the circle, Emori jumped up from the pot. She put the wooden spoon in my hand and closed my hand around it. I laugh because we had agreed when this whole thing began that cooking would be my job. And there I am, day one with the spoon already in hand. 

As she moves past me, I catch the smell of peppermint and I see a little red and white candy rolling around her mouth, as she asks, “Please don't make me eat anything either of them cook again.” But her eyes light up as she drops to the ground and begins running her hands all over Monty. 

“Where did you come from?” she asks, letting the mutt lick her face. 

Quietly, I answer, “He found me.”

She looks up at me, and smiles. Her blue eyes are warm, and I can’t help but love her in person. Emori didn’t saying anything else, and I feel the weight of the lack of words. He isn’t the only one that found me. 

“Thank you,” I say. She reaches out and squeezes my shoulder but I flinch away. She pulls back, and I think she remembers. Remembers through one of our many conversations when someone offered a virtual hug, I would shout through caps, NO TOUCHING!!!

Lexa sat on a small log near the fire, and her eyes were scanning over me, and occasionally flicking to the dog that was now leaning against the back of my leg. When the studious eyes got to my boots she shakes her head. I try not the acknowledge her displeasure in my appearance by squatting next to the pot. When I look in, I can’t identify what it is and I am immediately disturbed.

I look over at Octavia, and point the spoon to the pot, “What the fuck is this?”

Octavia shrug with a subtle glance to Lexa, saying, “Lexa made it.”

I cast my gaze over to Lexa, and I see just the hint of a smile. My eyes narrow, and I point the spoon to the pot, “Is it going to kill us?”

She looks up at me, and I can’t tell if she is offended of just playing like it. Her face is stoic, and she stood up to her full height. Her chest puffs out as she approaches me and takes the spoon from my hand. She dips it in the pot and brings the spoon to her lips. I watch her blow on the steaming liquid for a moment and then put it in her mouth. Her mouth that shapes so beautifully around the spoon that I can’t find position comfortable enough to hide the blush rising in my face as I swallow.

When I lick my lips, Her eyebrow tilts at me, and for a moment I just stare at her. Like  _ Fuck! _ She is even prettier in real life. 

“It's a stew,” she says, wiping at the corners of her lips. My eyes can’t seem to focus on anything besides pink pouty...

Emori calls from a short distance, “It’s ass in a pot.”

And my moment is broken when I snort. I don’t know where it came from, but Emori has that ability to make people laugh. Lexa is not amused though. She drops the spoon back into the pot and stalked away.

“Beja, teik ai frag em op en dison laik odon,” she grumbles as she leaves the circle.

I look back at Octavia, who just laughs under her breath. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Emori flipping off Lexa’s back as she grabs a bow and stalks off towards the cars .

Looking at the group, I search for answers but no one offers any. “What just happened?” I ask, not sure what type of dynamic I walk into. But everyone’s eyes just shift to one another. I know I am the only one not understanding something that apparently is obvious

Octavia shakes her head, and points between the retreating Lexa and Emori that was getting closer. “Those two don’t get along well. Emori is too nice. Commander Moody too focused on one thing..” but she didn’t get to finish because Lexa is back from the truck, and a thick set of boots lands just to the side of me.

Her words curt, as she though she is scolding me, “Steve Madden? Really, Klark?”

I look down at my boots, with a small pout. I love the boots on my feet. In fact, Lexa bought the shoes on my feet on. She was there the night I ordered them after she sent me an Amazon gift card. The only thing I can think of is, “Rude!” and unfortunately the words fall from my mouth as well. 

Lexa points to the boots on my feet, “Those things are going to fall apart.” And then to the ones she dropped, “These are your size.”

I look over the dense boots on the ground and then up at Lexa. She is waiting expectantly, like she is trying to earn back her pride. I sit down, and pull off my polished Maddens, my fuzzy striped socks are asking for disaster so I try my bed to keep my feet in the air. Reaching for the the other boots, I laugh and fall to the side.

I am covered in dirt and dried leaves. Already looking like an idiot, I quickly grab the boots and pull the thick leather onto my feet. They lace halfway up my calf, and when I stood, my foot sunk into the material comfortably, and holy shit these are so much better than my Maddens.

Octavia’s laugher is the only thing that stops me from hugging Lexa then. My eyes shooting from her smug smile, to where the chick that is supposed to be my best friend is digging through the backpack I brought. She is dumps the one skillet that wasn’t on the floor of the backseat of the jeep I had packed to the dirt. A few knives drop out, and of course she holds up a lacy pair of chonies for the whole group to see. 

She cackles when she says, “You weren’t joking when you said you were useless, Clarkey. Seriously, I think you planned on freezing to death.” As my clothes meet the dirty ground one thin t-shirt at a time. Seriously that is my bag she is going through.

She stops after several lewd comments about me packing underwear fit for a model when she gets to the bottom. She stops, looks at me with this stupid grin on her face.Her hand reaches in, and I know what she was about to pull out, so I lung forward. I lung toward her and knock her ass off the stupid stump she is perched on next to Raven. I’m too late though. 

Octavia squeals when I body slams her, but she still manages to pull out my one pleasure item I packed. Monty is barking and dancing around us, as I roll off her when she jabs me sharply with an elbow. “Ouph! You bitch,” I huff out. 

But she is laughing, laughing as she hold up the cylinder shaped object. Waving the silicon above us. I am humiliated, and I bury my face in her shoulder, whispering, “I hate you,” but it doesn’t phase out her loud chuckle.

“The world is crawling with zombies and you brought a dick!” she exclaims, as though everyone can’t see it. To make it worse, she adds, “A big dick at that matter.” 

I push off her, and sit back on my heals. I sit still listening to her laughing. I take in the various shades of dirt and pebbles under my knees. The stones bite through my pants, causing unwanted pressure. I am pretty sure they will add to the bruises already there but I can’t face anyone. I mean, we already knew I’m useless, there is no reason to also flaunt my clearly idiotic packing skills. 

Emori is next to me though, and I see her feet struggling with O. Octavia’s tiny body pulled up from the ground. They fight for a minute, and then I hear a  _ thunk! _ I realize that O got smacked with what was pulled out of my bag, and I look up to see her holding the side of her head, while Raven is fighting back a laugh.

When I turn slightly, I see Em pushing my cock back into my back and started picking up my stuff and putting it back in as well. She doesn’t look up, just keeps putting my stuff away, as she tells me. “Don’t worry, babe, we all brought one. O’s just being a punk, since theirs ran out of batteries a few days ago.”

My lips scrunch and I look over Octavia who is holding up the middle finger. I quietly mumble in a snarky tone, “The world is crawling with zombies and you didn’t think to bring a dick without batteries.” The finger is redirected at me, and I just narrow my eyes at my friend, before saying, “Your girlfriends going to get jealous of you making promises like that.”

I smile at Emori, who has finished getting all my stuff back inside. She really isn’t that different from her texts. Just more warm, and comforting. She holds the bag open as I push my now dust coated clothes into the bag. Monty’s nose sniffing at my things as I try to zip up the bag.

Octavia isn’t done though. “But Clarkey, I thought Finn was equipped with one. Why do you have a detachable?” Octavia is laughing, and the thought of Finn just makes me uncomfortable. I should be missing him. I don’t know why, but I rub at my wrist and wince under the slight pain. “Or was he not enough of a man for you.” I close my eyes again, trying to brush those all too familiar words from my mind. 

I flip her off this time. I didn’t have anything else I could do, so that what I had. A middle finger, that just made her laugh harder, as she bites back, “Careful or Lexa will get jealous of you hitting on me.” Immediately, I look around trying to locate Lexa. I find her at the fire. She stirs the pot of questionable stew, but her eyes watching me.

Octavia’s tone turns more serious though, as she tells me, “Seriously though, Princess, it's a good thing Lexa brought you clothes because it’s going to cold in the winter where we are going.”

My eyes shoot up and I see Lexa divert her gaze to the pot. She didn’t say a word when she stands, just retrieves a large hiking pack from the medium sized tent. She is standing a careful distance away, holding it out. I take it in my hands and notice immediately the weight of the bag. I don’t even have it open because i am still taking in the sheer size of it. Her footsteps are soft when she returns and sets three more shirts that I recognize on top of the bag. They were from my closet. Quietly, I asked, “How did you…” but I don’t finish, because I am not even sure what I was trying to ask. 

She shrugs saying, “I knew you wouldn’t prepare, and I figured I bought those three for your birthday so they should come with you.” Without hanging around, she returns to the pot. 

I watch her walk away, and I feel a loss. Like she was sucking away the body heat that isn’t even touching me. I look at the bag and decide to go through it later. Grabbing my other pack, I riffle through the front pouch and pull out a grinder of Jorge’s Habit Garlic Habanero Salt. Emori helps me to my feet in spite of me being tense at her hand under my arm, and I hear Lexa huff out something that is once again unintelligible.

Moving to the pot, I kneel down next to her. Monty is alongside of me within a moment too. As soon as I’m close though Lexa moves away like I have the fucking plague. It is irritating to say the least, but I pull the spoon out and taste the stew.

Immediately, I try to scrape the gruel from my tongue, and I feel the bile rising in my throat. This truly is terrible. Not a little terrible. Like really, REALLY terrible. Not even Jorge’s magic salt would make this better.

Emori laughs at me, and Lexa looks as though I just kicked the dog at my feet.

“I’m sorry, but what did you do to this?” I ask. I see her mask fall into place as I asked. But I mean, I needed to know. I need to know so I could try and salvage it in some fashion. But Lexa doesn’t help me. No, she stands up and stalks off into trees. 

I look to Octavia, who was once again shaking her head. her long dark hair put. 

“What?” I ask.

With a snort, she tells me, “You’re an idiot.” She didn’t say another word, just stands up and follows Lexa into the trees.

I turn my attention back to the stew, and shake my head. My stomach is screaming, and I realize it has been a long time since I have eaten. I try to remember but I think the last thing I had was at least a day, maybe two ago.

Emori says, “It’s no doubt you're hungry. You have been asleep since we picked you up yesterday morning.” I look at her.  _ Yesterday?  _ She looks me over, and answers my unspoken question, “You’ve been asleep since we left. Didn’t even stir when we stopped to get gas.”

Looking to Raven, I ask, “Is there anything else than what is in this pot?” Raven squint her eyes at me though, and keeps her mouth shut. She doesn’t move, just sits near the tent that is clearly hers. 

“She’s pissed Lexa and O insisted we go to get you when you didn’t meet up,” Emori explains. She points to the Element, and tells me, “Foods in the back seat.”

I make my way to the backseat of the truck, and I start digging through stockpile. I find a sack of flour and a jug of water, as well as a block of cheese and an onion. I’ve made something edible with less. Digging a little deeper, I find a cutting board, a bowl, a grungy looking skillet, and, thank goodness, a rolling pin.

I move back into the camp and set my ingredients down. Monty is dancing around me and I give him a quick pat on the head. Pointing to the pot, I instruct Emori, “Trash that shit.” She smiles and is up in no time. The pep in her step suggests she has been eatting nasty stew for a while now. 

Looking at what I have, I realize we need something green. Glancing at the sky I notice that light is fading quickly, so I move quickly through the area surrounding the area. Monty follows me, as I scan the forest floor trying to locate the weed that thanks to the one writing creative nonfiction class I took, I learned was an edible green weed and grew everywhere in Arizona.

With several handfuls of the greens, I put on the cutting board. Emori hands me the emptied pot and I add water. I hang it back from hook and gesture to fire. “I need like something to put the skillet on.” Emori leaves me without a word.

I’m busy chopping up the greens and onion. Tears run steadily down my face, and I try to wipe them away, but the onion is too strong. At least that is what I’m blaming it on, but once the first tear fell, I don’t think I really knew which tears were from the onion and which were for the life I left behind and which were for the awkwardness that seems to be surrounding me. 

Emori comes back at the same time that Lexa and Octavia return. I wipe at my face, and try to hide the break down I’m having. Holding up the half onion, I say, “These fucking things can do a number on people.”

Emori moves to the fire silently. She sets up the rack on some rocks to hold the skillet over the fire, after she adds some wood. I hear the fire coming to life with more cracking.

Looking over my shoulder, I take in Lexa sitting on a log. She is skinning something, that after a very painful moment, I realize is a squirrel. I suck in a breath. I am not use to seeing food as a true form. I turn away from the rest of the prepping process.

Returning my attention to making dinner, I measure out flour into the bowl and then add some of the water. I’m missing baking powder, but I’m working with what I had. I mix the batter until it is a sticky dough. As I got it to the right consistency, Lexa stands by holding up the once live squirrel.

Quietly, she says, “I normally don’t kill things like this, but… it’s what I could find.”

I nod, and answer, “Just put it there. I’ll take care of it from here.” She set the carcass down, and leaves again. She isn’t gone long and I look up seeing for the first time how close we are to a lake. The first thing that comes to mind is  _ Fuck, I stink.  _ I wonder if anyone would care if after I eat, I make a trip to lake and wash up. I’m sure that I am not going to be a pleasant person to sleep with if I continue to smell like asshole. 

Lexa’s voice pulls me from my dreams of washing away the rank odor of pain and death. “Can I help?” Lexa asks, and the sound is so familiar, yet so distant. It’s like we are still on the other side of a phone offering to help with things that really we couldn’t control. 

I raise an eyebrow at her though, because seriously she just made gruel and expected people to eat it. I chuckle a little, and point to my backpack, explaining, “In the front pocket there is a bottle of oil, and I stuffed the skillet back into the bag.”

Lexa smiles some, and I want to thank her for grabbing the rest. I want to thank her for so much. For the boots on my feet and for the thought her put into packing a bag for me. Her smile is sweet, and different from the sassy faced snapchats I’m used to getting. She looks up. “I wouldn’t expect anything else, Prisa.” I try to brush off the name they all use for me. It is a serious joke with everyone that I am a spoiled brat, but if they only knew. 

I squint at her. She knows I hate being called princess, but she just smiles and twists the pan in her hand. I can tell she is waiting for instructions, so I start giving them. “Put the pan on the rack. Let it heat up.”

While she follows my words, I roll out the dough into circular shapes. I hear the pan on the rack and I tell her, “Put the shitty pan on the rack too.” She snorts in response, but doesn’t seem annoyed that I made fun of her pan. I am just about done rolling out the circles, when I tell her, “Drop some water into the princess pan.”

I hear her laugh, but then I also hear her say, “Whoa! That is…”

“It’s ready,” I say, cutting off her amazement at my awesome cookware. I stop rolling out dough, and I told her, “Add a quarter worth of oil and then the onions and greens. Sauté them, while I cut up the squirrel.”

I don’t hear her moving, so I looked up and saw her staring at me in bewilderment. I bit my lip, because this look on Lexa’s face was just so adorable. “You have no idea what I am talking about do you?”

She doesn’t answer, and I point away from the fire. “Get out of my kitchen, Lexi.”

Her eyes squint then, and Emori returns from wherever the hell she was. She looks at the pans, and asks, “What do you need?”

“Can you sauté?” I ask, eyes still on Commander Moody. Her eyes don’t shift. In fact there is no sign of emotion, which tells me I am once again missing something. 

Emori doesn’t hesitate though, just smiling and nodding, and says, “With supervision.” It’s almost flirtatious, which is… awkward, because Lexa… fucking Lexa. 

I try to brush away the thoughts, and tell Em, “Put the oil in and then the onions and greens while I get the tortillas ready.”

Emori reaches out for the oil in Lexa’s hand. I watch as Lexa just stares at her for a minute before shaking her head again and dropping the bottle to the ground. I swear I need to learn to read her better because at least through text she would tell me what she was thinking. It feels like I’m shooting in the dark and I’m become very aware of why O called her Commander Moody.

~~~~~

Dinner ends well, and everyone seemed content with what I managed to do. Raven even offers to clean the dishes. I must be making progress with that one.

Lexa on the other hand, seems to be getting colder by the minute. I mean she practically growls when Emori sat down next to me when we were eating.

Lexa is the first one done when she tosses the rest to Monty and I feel horrible that I forgot about the child that I forced on her. I look at my plate and realize I didn’t save anything for the poor dog, and when I raise my head to say thank you, Lexa is up and gone from sight. She is so quiet, I feel like she was born to sneak through the fucking forest. 

I start to follow her, but Emori told me, “Don’t bother. She’s moody like all of the time.” She points to the medium sized tent, and said, “That’s mine, and Lex’s is that one. I’m sure she was planning on sharing with you,” she points to Monty, who is sleeping at my feet, “and she may not appreciate him.”

I look at Lexa’s tent. It was more than able to fit the two of us comfortably, but I think about the countless times we had joked about sharing a tent. It was a joke, but now that we were face to face, I feel like no matter what I do or say she is frustrated with me. And I helps me make my choice. 

I nodded to Em and tell her thanks. Grabbing my bags, I move them towards her tent. Octavia is still on her log outside the largest tent. Raven came up and wrapped her arms around her. She whispers something to O, and I don’t know what she says. The only thing I understand is O’s eyes following me, and her saying, “Yes, this will be a spectacle to say the least.”

I look back and see Lexa returning. Maybe she just made a quick lap. Her eyes were on me, as I push my bags into Em’s tent, and retreat within, my little mutt following me within.

I settled on the ground, and begin to rummage through the bag that Lexa had for me. She had packed me thicker jeans that would tuck into the boots she gave me, and I think of the number of times we talked about my jeans and the impracticality of thin skinny pants. There were thermal shirts, t-shirts, a sweatshirt that looked decently warm, and I wonder if maybe these things were hers. I found a pocket of elastic band hair ties, and I am grateful she remembered that I hate having my hair in my face. As I check the sizes, I realized that some of clothes are a size smaller than what I use to wear. A part of me feels like shit. I mean it was supposed to be a joke that I’m useless, but clearly Lexa believes I truly am. 

Trying to shake those thoughts away, I grab some of the clean clothes, and remind myself that Lex had clearly put a lot of thought into everything she put into the pack. The thing that hit me the hardest is that not only did she have clothes, but three empty journals, and a pack of pencils with a hand sharpener. I open the first page, and start to write her a thank you note, but the words won’t come. After several moments of staring at the blank page in the fading firelight, I put the book back in the bag.

I still need a bath. I know Emori will be pissed if I try to go to bed, smelling like I do. I grab a thermal shirt and a pair of flannel pants that are from my bag. I search through the bag that Lex packed, but I find not toiletries. I didn’t have anything left but tampons at the house, and I wonder if Em has something I can borrow. 

Coming out of the tent with Monty, I find that Emori is nowhere in sight. Octavia is retreating within her tent with Raven, and Lexa is the only one in the circle. I bite my lip, and quietly say, “Uh… I really need to bath and I… I ran out of stuff a few days ago....” I feel like a blubbering idiot so I just spit it out, “Do you have any soap?”

“Of course. What do you think I am a savage.”

I look at my feet wondering it she is indicating that I actually am. With a sigh, I meet her eye, and ask, “May I borrow something. I know I smell really bad.”

Lexa doesn’t say a word, just moves to her tent. She retrieves several bottles in a plastic bag with black sharpie on it. It reads “Clarke” in all caps but the C being the largest letter. I look up from the bag and hold it up slightly, “Thank you… for everything.”

“Of course.” 

I don’t know what else to say, so I make my way towards the lake. The water is black and I hate water. Like not a little bit, but it’s dark so I quickly pull of my clothes. I am bare, when I notice Lexa is not too far away from me. I reach down and pull my clothes back up, trying to hide my body. 

“What are you doing?” I say, not sure what to really do. 

Her back is to me, but still she could turn around. She could turn around and see me and I feel like I need to hide. Her voice is steady as she says, “Standing guard.” Just two words. That seems to be all I can ever get from her. two word sentences. 

I don’t answer. I just drop my stinking clothes that seem to reek more now that they are off of me. I need to burn that shit.

The water is so fucking cold. I barely make it a foot in when I remember the plastic bag is still next to my clothes. I really am a fuckign idiot. I splash over to get it. My feet kicking up water, and making so much noise that Lexa turns looking for the threat. She takes in my naked body and abruptly turns. My stomach sinks at how quickly she turns. Like she didn’t like what she saw. 

I grab the bottles and bath faster than I have in my entire life. Washing away the oil and body grease. The water’s temp is making my skin rough with goose pimples and my nipples so hard they hurt. Washing my hair was the worse part because I had to get all the way in the water. 

Total I think the bath took my fifteen minutes, and my teeth are chattering as I get to the shore and find that I fucked up again. There is no towel, and I either dry off with my clean clothes that I brought or my dirty clothes. 

I’m staring at the two piles when I hear another whistle. Looking up I see Lexa’s back to me and a towel hanging off one finger, with my dog laying at her feet. Dropping my head, I walk shakily over to her. I take the towel and decide that thank you never seems to get me anywhere after months of being told stop thanking me, so I switch it up, “Always looking out, Commander.”

She softly chuckles, but doesn’t say a word. Monty’s ears perk up, and I see her hand reach down when he sits up and scratch him behind the ears. 

Moving back to my clothes, I pull on sleep clothes. I feel the tiredness seeping into my bones, as I put my feet back into the boots. I can’t believe I am so tired. I slept most of the drive, yet I’m still exhausted. 

We don’t talk as we walk back to camp. I miss her voice. I miss feeling comfortable in her presence. I miss talking about snuggling, because now we have a chance and yet I am heading into Emori’s tent. 

Lexa has always been my safety net. When I was sad, I would text Lexa. When I felt like shit, Lexa would make me smile. When the world ended, Lexa crossed the country to save me. Sadly though, our communication styles clashed so immensely that left up in uncomfortable silence. A silence that was so loud when I look into Emori’s tent and realize that I don’t even have a sleeping bag to sleep in.  

Looking over at Lexa, I see her move into her tent. I look at were Emori is already curled up in her bag, and I take in the expanse of hard ground that is left for me. I shake my head, but there is suddenly a sleeping bag shoved into my hands. Lexa really is always taking care of me. It makes me want to back track. It makes me want to cross the short distance and crawl into her tent. 

But what if she doesn’t want me now. Now that she has seen me. I turn around and see her adding another log to the fire. 

My feet move before my mind can process that I am heading to Lexa’s tent with Monty at my heel. I can feel her eyes on me, but I don’t say a word. I just unzip the door, and throw my bag inside. Looking down at Monty, I remember Emori’s words. 

“Do we have like a rope that I can tie him up out here so I don’t fuck up your tent?”

Her back is to me, but the mockery in her voice is clear, “Do you want him to be zombie bait?”

I don’t even know what to do with that.  _ Like seriously, Lex, help me out for a minute. _ But then I know,  _ she has helped you all day, and you keep pissing on her fucking parade, dipshit. _

Huffing in frustration, I state, “What do you suggest I do, Commander Sass.”

“You’re killin’ me, Smalls,” she says. I smile. It’s a  _ Sandlot _ reference and she only watched the film for me. Her annoyance is clear though, when she says, “Just take him inside with you.”

I look at the pup, and he is watching me carefully. I nod to the door and he pads in quickly. “Thanks,” I say, leaving the door open as I enter. The bag is rolled out quickly, and I wrap myself up in it, monty settling just behind my legs. And I wait. 

I wait to hear her come to bed. I finally hear her soft footfalls, but the tent does not shift as she enters. the only sound is the door being zipped up and over. The pain settles deep in my chest, and a single tear slips out silently as I embrace the fact that after meeting me in real life. After seeing me in the lake. After everything she had done for me, I’m not what she wants. 

I give up on trying to fight sleep, as the tears continue to fall. There is nothing left to do, and I am not even sure why I am here. 


	7. 420 Days… “But I didn’t care. I needed to be cleaned of my sins.”-Octavia

We had driven through the night to find Clarke and when we were finally all together, the air was strained and awkward. I mean, I thought I knew these people. I thought I could tell when things were wrong. I thought I’d be able to help, but I guess I was wrong. Instead of actually knowing anything, I was stuck in my own brain-- listening as anxiety told me that they were angry and that I was to blame. It was always this way. I had suggested that we stop for supplies at the convenience store. I was the one that had put us in danger. I was the one that pulled the trigger. And now, I was the one who was suffering internally at each passing glance. Raven was uncomfortable because of the kill from yesterday where I put her at risk-- or at least that’s what my brain told me. Emori was uncomfortable because she was trying to hold us all together while I tried to ruin everything-- or at least that’s what my brain told me. Clarke was uncomfortable because I had waived her rubber dick around for the world to see, and my best guess is that Clarke’s fantasy Lexa and reality Lexa were crashing into each other-- or at least that’s what my brain told me. And Lexa was uncomfortable because, as far as I could tell, she always had a stick up her ass-- or at least that’s what my brain told me. That’s not entirely true-- the woman just stressed too much about keeping us alive… well mainly Clarke... but hey, so did I.

That night was supposed to be fun for us. I had told Raven that when we finally set up camp that I’d spend the evening with her-- and only her. However, she didn’t want to leave the side of the fire until it was nearly dead, every inch of light escaping into the cold night that quickly surrounded us. 

“Come on, Babe,” I ushered her inside of the tent, trying to ignore the red mark that lined the side of her neck from where the blade had been pressed into her skin. The area around it was already bruising as was the part of me that told her that I’d always protect her.

Once she was changed, was in bed, and breathed peacefully with no more demons to fight, I made my way from the tent, my feet drug me into the small wooden patch behind our camp. My fingers held tight to my gun, knowing that what I was doing was reckless and stupid, but my brain was itching for something to excite me. I don’t know if I thought that I was going in there to rid the world of all of the infected. I don’t know if I thought I was going in there to protect my camp. Hell, I don’t even know if I was going in there for any reason in particular or not, but I was going-- my legs made this clear. Looking back on it now, it was stupid-- hell, all of this is kind of stupid in retrospect… the infection, the fact that I thought I could protect anyone, everything. But… nothing mattered in that moment except walking. As I trekked into the woods, I listened to every sound around me, hearing the life of the forest as it groaned at the very state of the world. Me too trees, me too.

As I walked further in, I noticed a familiar shape crouching beside a small stream. Lexa was filling water bottles, the thought of which made me cringe and reminded me to tell them about our water purification device that Raven packed. I’m sure she knew-- hell, the girl knows everything and that, almost most of all, makes me the most jealous, but watching her seal that waterbottle reminded me of that. After all, Beaver Fever is a real deal and not to be played with. As I watched my friend quietly mind her own, I noticed another shift from the side. The body swayed as it lifted itself from the ground, quieter than expected. Every one of the bastards that we had encountered up to this point were loud on their feet, walking like a fucking t-rex through the forest-- but let’s be honest, that’s how I am. But this one was different… It was like he was one with the woods. The son-of-a-bitch had been sleeping, or whatever the dead do when their bodies hit the ground and I guess that Lexa was just quieter than I was while passing through.  But those damn peaches lingered and when the living dead began sniffing the air around it, its nostrils flaring with each inhale, I knew that it had found her first. I’m sure Lexa could give you the logistics of wind currents and how smells travel, but that’s not my game. My game was now survival of my group-- at any expense. Lifting my gun at the already dead being walking, I realized something. If I shot through this creature, I’d kill Lexa as well. Lowering my weapon, I did the only thing that I knew would help. Sprinting towards the beast, I tackled it from behind, shoving my boot covered foot through its already rotting insides. I went straight through its torso, falling to the ground with it. With a groan, fight-or-flight took over as my fists pounded against the already broken skull of the monster, brain matter and blood splattering across my hands, arms, and face as I beat the head from behind.

When exhaustion took hold of me, I finally stopped, noticing that my knuckles were pounding more dirt than flesh and bone at this point and that whatever fragment of life that existed within this creature was now gone. Standing, I shuffled my way over the stream where Lexa was, my body aching as I pushed back the memory into the box in my head that stored the faces of all of the rest.

Number 10: Male. Unknown victim. Woods behind camp. Bare fists.

That had become my way of coping. I labeled them-- dehumanized them, stealing their identity so it made it easier for me to justify pulling that trigger, or drawing that knife, or, now, beating their sculls in.

As I approached the stream, Lexa turned quickly on her heels when my foot stepped down on a particularly crunchy pile of leaves, a stick snapping under my weight. It was then that I realized that the running water had muffled the sound of my attack. She didn’t even know what was behind her. With her gun pointed directly at my face, a small sigh escaped her lips, the weapon lowering back to her holster.

“You okay?” she asked in as few words as possible-- as was her nature. Without saying anything, I continued my path, sliding my hands into the stream and watching as the water below changed to red. My knuckles burned with the inevitable bruising that was forming as I scrubbed hard, cringing as I felt skin tear. But I didn’t care. I needed to be cleaned of my sins.

Number 1: Male. Neighborhood friend.  1817 East 22 nd Street. Gun.

Number 2: Female. Unknown victim. Costco Parking Lot. Knife.

Number 3: Male. Unknown victim. Costco Bathroom. Knife.

Number 4: Male. Unknown victim. Gas station parking lot. Gun.

Number 5: Male. Unknown victim. Bass Pro Shop Aisle 17. Bow.

Number 6: Female. Unknown victim. Interstate 55. Car tires.

Number 7: Female. Unknown victim. Interstate 40. Gun.

Number 8: Male. Unknown victim. College Dorm. Knife.

Number 9: Male. Living person. Convenience Store Aisle 2. Gun.

Number 10: Male. Unknown victim. Woods behind camp. Bare fists.

Continuing to scrub, I watched as the now clear water turned red yet again and my knuckles burned deeper with new wounds, unable to stop until their faces disappeared from my memory.

“Woah, stop,” Lexa growled at me, nudging me with her shoulder. She tried again, pushing harder against me and receiving no response. “Octavia, no!” She pulled my hands from the stream, the blood still running from my broken skin as I sucked air in deeply, unable to swallow it into my lungs.

We didn’t speak of that moment in the woods again. The entire walk back was in silence as I held my hands in front of me, scared to death to touch them-- knowing what they were capable of. She pulled gauze from the backpack in the tent where I could see Clarke spread across two sleeping bags her with her new pet tucked in a ball between her spread legs, a quiet head resting over her thigh watching us move around. That dog never paid any attention to me and normally I’d get all butt hurt about it, but for once I was relieved. I didn’t want to be noticed. I just wanted to disappear.

Lexa wrapped my hands, wiped my face clean as I attempted to breathe again, and explained to me that I fell while walking through the woods by myself and scraped my hands against the sides of a rock-- a lie that I would tell to the other three when they woke and Lexa would just nod come the next morning.

She asked no questions and, for the first time, I was completely comfortable with the fact that Lexa didn’t have a lot to say.

** For the first time, I was completely comfortable with Lexa.   
**


	8. 419 Days… “See something you like Clarke?” -Lexa

I’m stuck in this stuffy vehicle again and it’s hard to breathe. Dirty dog clings to the air. I know that I’m able to breath. I know that it’s all in my head. The stress and not sleeping is getting to me as the trees fade in and out of clarity.

I take a deep breath but my chest is still constricted. Trying to stretch is useless but I do it anyway. Instantly I regret it when it draws Clarke’s attention to me. She huffs and barks out “Are you ok?”

I only nod hoping that maybe if I fly under the radar things will get better. I wish I could fall asleep and pass the time.

I don’t know what I did but obviously something isn’t right. I would feel so much better if I was driving but Clarke insisted that Em drive. Add that to the list with cooking. I guess I know how she views me. Someone who can’t even sauté.  _ Like seriously, what moron can’t do that? _ I feel the heat creep into my face as it flushes with embarrassment and anger. I turn away and duck my head to hide the evidence. I’m being ridiculous but seriously, I drove across the country for her, but she continuously choses Em at every turn.

_ Did she change her mind after meeting me? Did I say or do something to upset her? _ A million different things run through my head but I can’t pinpoint where I went wrong. All I can do is follow her lead. If this is what she wants, then that’s what I’ll give her.

We haven’t been traveling long and we got a late start because even after her blond head slept for almost twenty-four hours the day before, she bitched and moaned about being woken this morning as well, which puts us behind where I’d like to be. Adding Clarke to the mix threw off our pretty well oiled schedule. It took over an hour longer to get packed up and on the road adding to my frustration.

I lay my head against the window, enjoying the slight cool relief it provides, and wish that the road would lull me into sleep. I know I haven’t properly slept since before we finally reached Clarke’s house. My eyes almost cross from lack of sleep but my mind just can’t let go enough to drift off. Flashes of memories not computable, but still enough to me from resting. 

I hear Monty in the backseat start whimpering and whining, and Clarke’s attempts to quiet him. But her attempts fail and he only gets more vocal. After several minutes Emori finally says “Look there’s a gas station. We should stop and let him out to stretch and see if that helps.”

“Absolutely not,” I complain. I can't believe they want to stop after Clarke took forever to wake up and moved like a snail muttering about no coffee the whole time. “We need to stay on the road! We need to salvage the day and get as far as we can!”

Clarke quickly jumps up, clearly please by Emori’s suggestion.  _ Of course! _

As she looks at me, her eyes are sincere. Her words soft, almost pleading in explanation, “He has to go to the bathroom.” I don't move, and apparently is frustrates her, because she says a little harsher, while pulling the mutt’s body closer to her side, “And unless you want to clean up his mess, we need to stop. I’d like to go too.”

I know I’ve lost the argument and it really hasn't even started. I just don't want to piss the princess off more than I seem to already be capable. “Whatever, pull over then.”

When we get stopped Clarke almost jumps out of the car and I swear I feel everyone’s eyes on me as Monty follows her to the other side of the small parking lot. I just turn to head inside the run down station. The orange and white paint peeling so badly that there is barely any left. 

Octavia yells out, “Wait up, I’ll cover you.” She hops from the Element, preparing to follow me. 

I don’t want deal with people right now though. I’m tired and irritated so I level her with a glare and fire off a quick “No.” The outside of the building is all open windows. If there was something inside, then we already would have seen it anyways. 

Once inside, I glance over the slightly dusty shelves. As I flip through the messily stacked items on the counter, I kick up dust and it forces a sneeze out of me. I feel the cold spit on my hand even as it starts to dry. I see more stacks on shelves behind the counter. As I make my way around the corner, I hear a muffled scrape when I bump into a walker. Its clears more of a path for me though, to a rack of maps.

I rifle through the rack, passing over town maps before I find what I am looking for. More detailed maps of the area that will make finding a place to camp easier.  I know we need to start thinking about finding shelter for the night. 

If we push hard we may just make a campground in a good location. Between towns, not too far off the road and a good looking lake. I grab a pen and quickly circle the goal on two different maps.

I exit the building and hear the group murmuring to each other as they stand around the jeep. Monty runs up to greet me though, seizing my attention from Clarke leaning against the car with her head down. As much I hate to admit it the little guy is too cute to ignore. I kneel and roughly scratch his head. My hands toss his lanky body around, and I note how huge his paws are. This boy will be big, so I toss him around, roughhousing with him as he tries to lick me.

An idea strikes me and I head back inside. I remember the walker behind the counter with tennis balls on the feet of it.  _ I never understood why they did that and it always makes me question who came up with the idea? Like was someone just sitting there one day and decided to pimp their walker out with lime green balls? _

I tug them off the legs. There are two, so I shove one into my pocket, and with the other, I head back outside. I almost hit him as I open the door but he just looks at me with his excited eyes and floppy ears and tongue hanging out. I toss the ball and wait as Monty chases it and brings it back.

Several minutes go by tossing the ball but I raise my head when I eventually hear footsteps approach. O simply says to me “We’re ready to go when you are.”

I nod and move toward our vehicles. Monty runs ahead and jumps up into the Jeep and I smile. As I near them I catch Em telling Clarke “No way in hell.”

“Please” Clarke quietly asks but she doesn’t get an answer as she moves and gets in the car with Raven and Octavia. I reconsider that maybe she did get an answer when her face falls. I don’t know what to say to her or if I should comfort her but I don’t have time to do anything as Clarke just moves to the Jeep. She puts her head against the door and pats Monty’s head.

I walk over and hand one of the maps to Raven. I point at the small circle and say “Head to the Capote Campgrounds. We’ll camp there for the night.”

Octavia snarks out “Aye aye, Commander.” I turn back to the Jeep where her words hit me in the back, “By the way, you need to fix your shit.”

I don’t give her the benefit of a response and just get behind the wheel of the Jeep. I look at Clarke and wait for her to make a decision. She doesn’t move though. She simply stands there almost frozen.

“Clarke” I softly call out.

She doesn’t meet my eyes, just pulls herself in, and shuts the door. She must feel the weight of my gaze still on her, because she shakes her head, quietly saying “Please don’t… Just drive.”

~~~~~

The dash clock tells me we have been in the car for about an hour. The silence is deafening, even the tires on the road are not enough calm the awkwardness that surrounds us.

I don't know what she’s thinking. She used to tell me everything and now she won’t even look at me. No, I get just a peripheral view of her matted blonde waves, while she just stares out the window watching trees and abandoned cars fly by.

Her boots are on the dash, and apart of me fights the urge to tell her to get her feet down. Apart of me still wants to just let her be her, but it's irritating. 

When she speaks, her voice is nothing more than a familiar ramble. Just like when she used to tell me the odd thoughts running through her head, before she would break into a passionate rant about the most meaningless nonsense. 

“Why haven’t we seen any other people, ya think?”

She seems like she is going somewhere with this, and I don't want to interrupt. If I do, she’ll probably lose her train of thought. I smile at the memories of her being mid conversation and stopping because there was a dog on the side of the road. She could never get back to her story. 

She shifts, her feet coming off the dash and tucking under her tiny frame. I am briefly amazed that she is literally sitting cross legged in the front seat. Slowly she continues, “I mean there has to be more people. We can't be it…” her fingers run over the glass like she's trying to touch the scenery, and for a brief moment I wish it was me she wanted to touch like that. She asks me then, “Where do ya think they are?”

I drag my eyes from the road briefly and rake them over the side of her face. I wonder what she wants from me. I can’t answer her questions but I only hope that we don’t find out where they are. Desperate people are far more dangerous than zombies.

Her snap is so quick I almost slam on the brakes, “Look I get it. I'm not what you thought. I'm not what you want. But I'm still the same person on the phone.” All the fire leaves her. I can tell she is withdrawing back inside as her voice is just shy of a whimper, “Can't you at least pretend to wanna talk to me?”

Snark. “You said just drive.”

“Dick.” 

I feel the smile break across my lips as I remember all the times she would shriek out “Shut up!” while on the phone with me. It almost became a game of mine to see how long it would take her to realize that I wasn’t talking or why I wasn’t talking. Or my other favorite game of seeing if I could get away with saying I sprouted purple wings in a conversation.

“Maybe they sprouted purple wings…”

Clarke tries unsuccessfully not to smile, and I feel a moment of victory but it’s short lived. She shifts and pulls her knees to her chest wrapping her arms around them and rests her chin on top before asking, “So where are we even heading?”

“Are you serious Clarke? We discussed this a long time ago.”

I’m only met with a blank stare when I look over, so I continue.

“Remember I was watching the zombie show with the awesome actress.” She doesn't make a sound and I am can't believe she would forget something this important, “I text you with the actual plan because people are dumb and most would die. I even sent you the pictures of the camps.”

Clarke stares straight ahead, as she admits, “A lot has happened… I didn't think this would like happen.” I see her wipe her face, “and then everything went to hell… And it was just me and Finn.” She takes a deep breath, but she doesn't exhale; her breath just held to fight away the emotion that I know she is bottling. “I didn’t think anyone would come, and so when I went to leave I planned to go there, but…” Her words tapering off, and I check the road to see if she found another dog. 

“I promised you I would protect you. Even if that meant driving to that horrible state you decided to live in.” 

She’s running her hands over her wrist, and I see the purple and yellow that has mostly faded. Almost too quiet that the road drowns away her words, she says, “I couldn’t bring him and I couldn’t leave.”

I grip the steering wheel so hard that I can no longer feel my fingers. I know I can’t let my anger show without pushing her further away. Further into herself that I fear I wouldn’t find her again. I try to calmly exhale and force the words out that I hope comfort her. “You don't have to worry. I’ll protect you.”

“He promised to protect me… I couldn't do anything.” She looks back out the window, but I can see the single tear escape in the side mirror. “He wouldn't let me help.. Just wanted to protect me… Died…” She chokes a little as the last words fall, “... all my fault.”

I don’t know how to respond. I want to reach out to her but I don’t know how she would react to that. I”m not good with words but I know I have to try. “I’m not him. I’m sorry you had to go through that but his death is not your fault.” She doesn’t move so I continue, “Protecting and controlling are two different things. I think he forgot that.”

“Why do you say that?”

I try to be gentle as I say, “You don’t leave bruises when you protect someone.”

Clarke tugs the sleeves of her sweatshirt down, tucking her hands inside the holes. “I wasn't listening,” she defends. “I wanted to go outside, and we were hungry. He just… I wasn't listening.”

“I don’t care. Clarke that’s not an excuse.”

After several moments of silence, she changes the subject. “Do you think there will be a way to heat water? I miss hot showers,” she asks.

~~~~~

I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited to finally get out of a car, even though Clarke and I had finally managed to break into some form of conversation, I was still worked up over our conversation. 

So worked up, I didn't even have it in me to get too pissed when she made me stop five times to pee, though I am not even sure how she had to go that often since she never even touched her water. In fact, the more I think about it, I realize that I didn't see her eat much either. 

Trying not to focus on her still shitty eating habits, my mind shifts to the dull ache in my body. I don’t think I’ve ever been more tired in my life. I want nothing more than to crawl into my sleeping bag and finally close my eyes. I know though that the tents must be set up and food must be caught if we are expecting Clarke to make magic again. 

I look to the group as they start dragging out supplies and tents. I rummage and pull out my tackle box and my pole. “I’ll be at the lake. I’m gonna get a jump on finding dinner.”

I’m met with mutters as everyone continues making camp. So head in the direction of the lake.

At the shore, I find a spot that I hope will yield a good catch and start assembling my lure. The water ripples lightly and the sound is soothing. More soothing than the pavement under tires. With the lure ready, I cast out. 

Fishing is about patience, something I have a lot of. As I wait, My mind wanders over all the times we walked about fishing. Clarke prefers trout, but catfish is my speciality. The tug tells me I got a bite. A slight sense of accomplishment flows through me as I pull in my first catfish.

Happily, after about hour I have a decent mess of about twenty some fish. With the light fading I know I should pack it up and head back to camp so I put my equipment up. Looking at my catch that I'm about to take back, I remember talking with Clarke once about her crying when trying to kill the fish, and then remember the look on her face when I brought back to camp the squirrel. She had told me countless times that she could never process anything.

Even though things are weird, I don't want to hurt her more than she already is. I pull out my knife to start cleaning and filleting them. The movements automatic from doing it so many times growing up.

Just as I’m ready to head back to camp, Monty comes barreling out of the darkness. Clarke quickly apologizing. “I’m sorry. I tried to keep him quiet.”

“It’s ok. I was just getting ready to head back.”

“Oh.” She says. Then after a beat she asks “Did you catch anything?”

I hold up the plastic bag containing my catch and say “I hope you can do something with this.

“I did more with less last night.” She says as she laughs. I can’t help but just stare at her because I don’t think I will ever get tired of that sound.

She holds up a bucket and tilt her head towards the lake behind me, “Let me grab some wash water and I’ll walk with you.”

“That’d be nice.” I say and I hope all these quiet little moments will help ease the tension between us.

When we get back to camp, I’m surprised to see my tent already set up. It’s not exactly perfect, and the corners are not fixed to the ground, but it was erect. I don’t see O or Raven around, and I quickly assess the Emori is nowhere in sight either. The only person here is Clarke.  

The blonde had left my side and when I look to find her, I see her bent over her bag pulling out seasonings. It's kinda funny, I mean the girl packed seasoning and fuzzy socks. She must feel my eyes because she looks up at me with a warm smile. She nods to the tent, and states, “You were catching food. It’s only fair that I helped.” 

With the camp already set up and Clarke doing her magic with the food I decide to bathe in my idle time. I grab my bag with my soap, Wen, and lotion in it along with shorts and a t-shirt to sleep in and a towel. Then I strap a knife to my ankle and around my wrist.

I make my way to the lake again and unceremoniously strip my grimey clothes off. I wade out and dive in. Feeling the cold water glide over my skin I want to moan it feels so good. I angle back up and gasp as I break the surface. I lay back and just enjoy floating and feeling weightless until the cold gets to be too much. I swim back in and slather the Wen through my hair. The peach smell invading my nose with each deep inhale. I take a moment just to appreciate the freshness, while I rub the soapy cloth over my skin. Only when I'm all soaped do I submerge my full body under the water. The water does most of the work, leaving only the need to scrub my fingers over my scalp to fully rinse off.

I stand to my full height and start to wring my hair out, but the silence is broken with a barked out “Fuck!”

I look up and I wonder if Clarke is breathing. She is standing so still but her mouth is comically hanging open but no sound is coming out.

“See something you like, Clarke?” I say not even trying to cover my body as I walk from the lake.  _ I know I’m kinda being a dick but she was always so cute when she got flustered on the phone. I can’t help but want to see if it’s cuter in person. _

“I was...err...just...” She rubs her face with both hands, and I swear I can see her turning seven shades of red even in the dark. Turning on her heel, she only offers up one word, “food,” before she hastily treks towards camp.

“Thank you” I say but if she hears me she makes no indication.

I grab the towel and dry off and lotion. I pull on my clean clothes, collect my things and head towards the smell of food. My stomach growls and I realize just how hungry I am.

I grab food and move to sit down. All of us contentedly eating in silence.

_ Thankfully Clarke had thought to make Monty his own. _

I barely make it through dinner before my eyes apparently close. I don’t know how much time has passed before I’m pulled from my impromptu slumber. As my eyes open all I can focus on is Clarke kneeling beside me and gently calling my name. 

I quickly look around wondering what was wrong. I see nothing out of the ordinary though, only Raven sitting by the fire. She’s poking at with a stick, causing sparks and embers to dance towards the night sky. Alongside her, the emergency bucket of water reflects the nights crescent moon.

My attention is drawn back to Clarke, when she softly says “Let’s go to bed.” Her hand is on my forearm rubbing just slightly. 

“No foreplay?” I drawl out.

I know when I’m sleepy my drawl is more pronounced but I’ve never been more okay with it than watching the red flash across Clarke’s face and neck.

Knowing this was a weakness of hers I lay it on thicker when I say “ Not even gonna buy me dinner first?”

“Shut up, asshole.” She says as we stand and more toward  my our tent. When we reach it, the air is thick with awkward tension. Clarke shuffles a pebble around with the toe of her boot.

I unzip the flap and bow deeply and smirk as I say “Your chambers await, Princess.”

Clarke picks at her lower lip and I notice how chapped they have gotten. I can tell she is trying to figure out how we got here. She doesn't say it though. Instead she calls that fucking dog. “Come on, Monty.” 

When I crawl into the tent I see the sleeping bags are pushed together and I wonder if this was done intentionally. Before I can voice my question Clarke’s voice breaks the silence.

“It’s going to be cold,” she provides. I know that this is Clarke’s way, she’s told me enough. She will never ask to be close to me, just position herself for me to make up my mind. The problem is, I don't even know what my mind wants. 

“Yea, you aren’t used to this kind of weather.” I say, flopping on my bag. The tired feeling in my bones magnifies as I finally relax.

Clare's doesn’t answer, falling to her knees. I'm not sure what to expect but it definitely wasn’t her just pulling off her shirt. Her pale skin barely illuminated in the darkness. I know she’s trusting me as I gaze over the knobs of her skin and marks I want to map. She told me of the marks, but I wasn't prepared for the random expanse of warrior marks or the small stars that decorate her skin just over her pants. I can't watch for long as she tugs on the same thermal she wore the night before. Her arms twisting behind her before her arms are in the sleeves, unsnapping her bra, and pulling the lacey material off.

I close my eyes to give her some privacy. I feel the air shift as she throws the bra on to her bag. I open my eyes, when I hear her bag shifting as she tries to wiggle into the sack. Rolling over, I see her back to me only inches away. 

She doesn't like touching I remind myself, fighting the urge to pull her in closer. As the smell of fire and spices wash over me, I realize that it is bound to happen. I can only hope that she will be okay sleeping so close to me when I move around.

After we are settled in, Monty plants himself between our legs. I sigh and as I feel sleep quickly overtake me, I think I hear a soft, “Good night, Lex.” 

I can only hum my response, not wanting to get snapped at her being a dick again, before sleep concurs me.

~~~~~

I wake to birds calling out and a face full of hair. It tickles my nose but it’s so comforting that I don’t care. The clean scent wrapping me in a second blanket. I shift myself closer to the warmth radiating off of Clarke with the arm already wrapped around her ribs. Feeling the steady rise and fall assuring me that I wasn’t dreaming.

Goose bumps race up my arm as her soft fingers run up towards my wrist to finally entwine with mine, holding me in place. Telling me that this is okay.

“I miss Starbucks.” She mumbles, half asleep.

Laughter rips out of my chest up through my mouth. I’m laughing so hard my stomach starts to ache. My cheek muscles burn from smiling.

Eyebrows furrowed and the most adorable serious look on her face accompanies Clarke’s grumble, “Snuggles. Too early.”

“Sleep Prisa, I’m not going anywhere.” I say as burrow in closer and drift back off to sleep with a smile on my face, at least for a few more hours.

Only a few hours more before, Clarke and I are rudely awakened by O hitting the side of our tent with something that must be a stick.  _ Sometimes I wonder why I like that one. _

“Come on fucker’s. I caught a beaver! I’m hungry.” She exclaims while continuing to hit and poke the sides of the tent like a petulant child. “Don’t make me come in there!”

“O, I swear if you don’t quit being an asshole, I’m gonna shove that stick up your ass and make you a damn puppet!” I exclaim through my gritted teeth and she finally stills only to start laughing.

“Wow, maybe I should call you Commander Kink from now on.” 

Clarke’s groan tells me she is not in the slightest bit amused by Octavia’s antics. I release my grip on her only to watch her roll over abruptly with a glare to murder. Holding my finger to my lips, I pull up into a crouch. Clarke rolls her eyes and buries her face into my pillow and wraps her arms around both pillows tugging them in body.

I am prepared, when I see the zipper slide around the door and her face poke in the resulting hole. Before she can even take in Clarke's curled up form, I launch myself at her. She has no business looking at my girl. 

The sunlight is blinding and the quick transition doesn’t help, but I don’t care. I struggle with her on the hard packed ground. Rocks cutting and embedding themselves in my legs as we wrestle for dominance. I jab my elbow into her tiny abs, as my hand pushes up against her jaw. 

We’re rolling around like brawling boys. Dust kicking up, and disturbing the fragile peace of the camp. Emori’s shouts of, “What the fuck?!” and “Guys knock it off,” distract me just enough to take a hard elbow to the mouth.  The skin gives way as my teeth stab into the backside of my lips. Iron and rust fill my lips and the plumpness is almost immediate.

Without warning, I feel all the air leave my lungs. Muscles contract and physically expel all the air out as my clothes cling to me in icy chill. My hair hanging in my eyes and dripping water onto O, I raise my gaze off her back to meet Clarke’s steely glare.

Her eyes narrow, but she looks more rested than I had seen her yet. Her color coming back from the pale woman we found two days prior. She growls, “Quit being an alpha. It’s too early for this shit.”

I point to Octavia and her damn stick. “But...she was...I just...that’s not fair,” I complain, as I try to wipe away the excess water. I am unsuccessful and end up just spreading mud over my eyes.

“Don’t care,” and she ends the discussion by dropping the bucket to the ground and turns around and saunters off. Before she is too far away, she calls over her shoulder, “And wash your face. You look like a fucking raccoon.”

I move and let O up. She has one eye closed to keep the mud that is now covering half of her face out of it and she wipes at it. I think she just smears it around, making it worse. She half grins around the mud and says, “You just got alpha’d by your omega.”

Raven appears from the back of the Element, and thwacks Octavia on the back of the head. “Don’t pretend you're an Alpha. You're the biggest bottom I know, dumbass. Now go wash off or you're not getting in my car.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We love comments. Like live for them. Please hit that kudos button too.


	9. 418 days… “No! I'm pissy and horney. Can I just hide away and fuck until I die?”- Clarke

**~Clarke~**

Too long in this car. Too long listening to song after song. Every song three to four minutes. Still on the same fucking CD. There must be hundreds of stupid songs on this one shitty CD. _And she hasn't said a fucking word!_

Occasionally she hums. Every once in awhile she mouths the words, but other than that it's just the shitty speakers stretching when the bass is too loud. I try to drown out the loud unfamiliar beats with the rush of mountain air.

_Why won't she let me drive?_

I glance over as her hand drops down and pulls up the clear plastic bottle. The water pouring without the mouth of the bottle touching her lips. No the water arches just enough to enter her waiting mouth. Her throat bobs as the water slides down, a small drip escaping her shaped lips.

_Fuck is it hot in here or am I losing my fucking mind?_

I feel the heat rising in my chest, burning across my breasts. My chest throbs and I begin to feel an uncomfortable emptiness settle between my legs. I pull up my legs and push my feet against the dash. I need pressure. I need something. My skin crawling, and I know.

_Fuck! Not now!_

My mind screams trying to get ahold of my inner omega that my friends have always teased me about. The one most likely to bend over and be the bottom. And damn it, I hate that they’re right. Especially hate it how I can feel the anger attached to my body’s scream for touch, create a deadly combination.

A combination that threatens to scare Lexa away. Far far away, because my cunt is pulsing, clenching and trying to gain purchase to fill the empty.

I try to focus. Focus on anything, but all that I can focus on is one word. One word bouncing around my insides. A vibration so loud I wish it would stimulate me just enough to see stars silently.

Sex.

Sex.

Sex.

Need sex.

Lexa. Sexa.

Lexi sexy. Sexy Lexy.

Commander own my ass, please.

_Fuck! God damn fucking hell when was the last time someone other than me touched my vag?_

_Well obviously it hasn't been the last few days._

_Finn._

_Well, again obvious, but when? Not since before… before the garden. So a month?_

_No, the garden was raided at least two months ago._

My skin crawls and it's so hot. So hot I just want to rip my sweatshirt off. I twist the sleeves, and push them up until I know the first line will show. But even the exposure of my arms is not enough. Not to ease the flame burning too hot inside. But if I pull it off then the flame will get oxygen, and I will combust. I wrap myself in tighter.

I wrap in tighter and pull the sleeves back down. I need to get it under control because she doesn't want me like that. She doesn't want me coming onto her in full fanfiction quality heat. In a zombie omegaverse.

The thoughts running through my head is not helping as I picture Lexa lose all control.

_Pulling my ass into her. A hand cupping my dripping sex as she growls against my neck._

_‘Mine!’ she would command, as deft fingers of her other hand  twist my nipple poking through my shirt.I'm not sure why I'm not wearing a bra, or pants and panties, but I'm not as she grows tired of barrier, tearing the front of my thin t-shirt in one smooth tug. My breasts falling free and are free to her attack._

_My body screaming for her to fuck me, bite me, and make me hers. Her lips on my throat pulls the smallest whine from throat as her fingers push into me._

My lower hand trembles and I look down to see my hand cupping my sex as I hold on for dear life.

When I look over, Lexa's face is flushed and her eyes glued to the road not blinking. I try to adjust, but nothing is okay. Nothing is okay, and I look over to see just the hint of green watching me from the edge of her eyes.

“I need to pee,” I huff out, squeezing my thighs together to calm my pulsing clit.

Lexa glances over, and her tongue runs over her lower lip before she bites it slightly. The visual is just enough to show me the smooth member that I want to fucking ride to the stars.

I am about to lose my cool completely and plunge my hand into my pants to work myself over the ridge, when she says, “...Uh...sure. I’ll signal the others”

_Fuck! She knows._

Lexa groans every single time I have to piss and now she's just like sure. All is great.

_Fuck!!_

_~~~~~_

I find myself a safe distance in the trees, glancing around for anything that may bite me or eat me in all the wrong ways before I undo my pants. I have them down far enough to spread my thighs. The cool shaded air hitting the slick that is literally soaking the interior of my thighs. I press my finger to my angry bud and get to work.

Circling with my pads, I breathe out sharply. My free hand gripping at my breast, twisting my nipple sharply as I picture her face.

Well practiced movements has me edging as the small twig behinds me snaps. I freeze letting out the most guttural whine as my body tightens and freezes out just before my climax, shooting me back to a frustrated ground zero.

My hand frozen in place the steps are closer and I am going to die with my hand buried in my cunt because I'm too fucking scared to move.

But familiar brown hair comes around the tree, with a large sword held out in preparation. And nope, I'm not going to die at the hands of a mindless decomposing life form, but from the embarrassment that rushes through me. Rushes through my body as her head turns just enough to see me two fingers deep against a tree. And to add insult to injury, Lexa abruptly turns and moves back towards the car.

It takes a moment for my heart to not give out, in spite of how hard I beg it too. It takes me even longer to wipe away my tears so now my face smells of fucking horney pussy from trying to wipe away the rejection.

Wipe away the final push of knowing she doesn't want me. She doesn't find me attractive in spite of all the good morning, beautifuls and talks of lying for days just wrapped in each other arms. I'm not what she expected... and I am not what she wants.

Looking down I swallow my new reality and my fucking snot. I wipe my hands on my clothes. I'm a fucking mess, and as I pull off my sweatshirt I give up on hiding away the shallow lines that run up my arms. Fear making me cover my battle wounds with myself, positive would turn her away… but it doesn't matter anymore. shaking my head, I know I should have known she would come looking.

“She always keeps her promises,” I say to myself. I say to myself as I realize she will always be around, and she will never want me the way that I want her.

And the emptiness expands from just my empty sex to throughout my thoracic cavity. My lungs not dense enough to hold all the air. Just still a shell of life, more dead that probably the cannibals.

~~~~~

“Princess!” O yells, “If you could learn to hold your piss for longer than ten minutes that would be great! We may even make it there before next year!” I don't even have the energy to fight with her as I exit the tall trees. There’s nothing left to fight. No point really.

I track the gravel under my feet, until I reach the car. Lexa’s boots are the first thing I see, with my happy puppy running up to me next to her. My ashamed eyes run up her legs to see her resting against the front of the car, and as I approach she moves and opens the passenger's side door. I can’t bear to meet her eye, so I quickly duck my head into the car and crawl into the seat.

I am curled up facing the driver’s side. I know I will have to shift once she gets into the car, but I will deal with that when it happens. I am trying to hold onto some sense of purpose, so I keep telling myself, _I’m the cook._

As the door clicked softly shut, Lexa says, “Clarke, I’m… I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt you.”

Rolling over, I place my feet on the ground. Smiling as big as possible, I look at the small ridge between her furrowed brow, and said as happily as I could, “It’s fine. I should have waited until we got to… No, big deal.” I know she knows I am faking it. I can only hope she doesn’t call me on my bullshit.

Lexa exhales deeply and simply stares at me. Like she won’t let me look away and it’s almost uncomfortable, but she finally looks down and mutters “If that’s what you want.”

Exasperated and feeling my heat rise at the slight dilation in her eyes, I snap, “No, it's not what I wanted. I wanted you. It’s always been you… but I’m useless, and there is no fucking point to any of this shit. I don’t even know why you all came to get me.”

My eyes shift forward. I said too much. Way too much. I’m so stupid sometimes, I feel like every chance I get I make a bumbling idiot of myself. _No, wonder she doesn’t want you._

“We going or what?!” O yells from the car behind us.

Clenching my eyes shut, I plead, “Can we just go, so they will stop making fun of me?”

The back door opens and Monty jumps up, his nose coming around and paws on the console. His nose nudges at me.

I don’t open my eyes until the door to the driver’s side opens, closes, and the engine comes to life. The music flooding over my body, masking the shivers of heat that is still racing through me.

I hate this week. I always forget how bad it gets. My body calling for the touch that I deny it. The need to feel something so overwhelming and manifesting in the most intense sexual need.

My pants are still drenched, and I know there is no masking how turned on I am. I try to focus on something, anything else. And Lexa actually comes to my rescue.

“You’re about as useless as the sky is purple,” she says just loud enough to cover the lyrics of the soft melody playing.

_“I wanna love somebody/ Wanna feel their love on me/ But after everything I still believe in true love/ Not being able to find it.”_

The female vocalist singing smooth, waving through the words, drawing me in some. Wondering if Lexa chose this song, or if it just played randomly.

_“We can stay up here until we figure it out/ I don't wanna go home /Don't wanna be alone, be alone”_

My mind goes haywire, trying to kick away the wandering images of Lexa pulling over the car to snake her tongue through my wet folds, but at the same time make sense of the sky being purple. I mean after all, I am useless and therefore the sky must be purple.

_“You hate the fighting in the world/ So you bring the battle home and fight until it's yours”_

I can’t process any coherent thought. Can’t think straight, or crooked, or at all. No, because as I close my eyes and lean back in my seat, trying to figure out when the sky turns purple, fingers graze lightly over my thigh.

_“I know we've made a graveyard of this all/ I know I don't feel too sober now/ I wanna lie awake with your black soul/ Count your fears if you let me”_

I know I must be imagining it again, and I give up on trying to block Lexa out. Block out the way her fingers would feel running gently over my leg. The way she could just so easily slide into me if I pull my pants down to my ankles, and probably not even bat an eye as she drives.

_“Baby I just want your damn bad intentions”._

A heavy breath later, the touches become too real. I open my eyes just enough to see how her arm is draped easily over the console. To take in her fingers barely grazing over the top of my jeaned leg. Falling just enough to touch inner seam, and tug just a little. Tugging like she is signalling me silently, and I can’t stop my legs from falling open. Spreading and giving her more territory to conquer.

Her eyes barely glance from the road, as the touches become steadier. Stronger. The pressure of her touch just enough, coiling me so tightly. Just how I always imagined her touch to be.

_“I've got some damn bad intentions/ I got some secrets I forgot to mention/ Haven't learned my lesson, woah oh”_

Her hand flattening against the apex of my soaked jeans and pressing up. Applying heavenly pressure as the heel of her palm grinds against the top of my bone.

But I need more.

I need her to.. _Fuck!_

And she is answering the request as my head presses against the back of the leaned back seat and my hands find purchase in the head rest. Agile fingers pop the button so simply and tug at the zipper.

Those fucking fingers play with the drenched lace that is so thinly keeping her finger tips from sliding through my folds. I feel her circle my erect clit, and my mind is exploding but I’m still not ready.

I don’t even know what I need, just more. More than just a hand pressed against my cunt. No… I need her inside of me. On top of me. Owning me. Making me hers. But she doesn’t enter me.

Her fingers pressing against me, and applying deeper pressure. Stimulating the nub crying out for her to fuck me. But everything else in me wants more. Wants this to be more than just to be a mercy fuck, of a one time hit and quit. No, every molecule of every cell reaches out to her, to create that ionic bond.

It’s too much though, because I remember. I remember she doesn’t want me. Clamping my legs shut, I shake my head. I shake it violently, as her hand withdraws as though my pussy sprouted teeth and bit her.

Stuttering, I stutter trying to fight back the tears, “Ya-you don’t want this… Not enough.” My eyes close, and I feel the weightless floating that threatens to overcome me.  Threatens to push me over the edge into a space of emotionless sleep that the beating organ screaming in my chest is begging for her to see this could be right. That I’m not just a girl. That I’m the girl.

But this can't be it.

Lexa “love is weakness” Trikru does not love me in a way that is more than a sense of loyalty. And a quick handjob in the car will only cause me to feel even more like the chick she's stuck with, not the one she actually wants. Because the girl someone wants gets a kiss. The girl someone wants gets held unconditionally… and maybe she did hold me when she came for me. Maybe she was holding me this morning, but it doesn’t change that I am useless. Which makes me useless to her. Which makes me deadweight that is holding her back.

The window whistles as she rolls up her side. The squeal of the wind whipping through the vehicle has Monty flustered, and he shifts uncomfortably in the back seat. Emori has refused to ride with us and I want to blame it on Monty, but I know it's just like O says, I need to get my shit together.

We hit a bump or a pothole or something that jostles my body just enough to add friction. Enough friction to have me panting and my hips bucking up once. Even the road could get me off at this point, and I feel waves of humiliation break against the shores of my skin, unable to really escape the sea of arousal.

Lexa’s voice breaks the silence she has created, as her long fuckable fingers twist the radio knob, shutting down the stereo so it’s just us. Just us, the fucking bumpy road threatening my premature release, and my fucking dog in the backseat.

“What color is the night sky?” I don't understand at first. I don't understand what she is getting at. “Clarke. The color?”

With my eyes still closed, I try to picture a night in Phoenix. A night not coated in a dusty hue of unnatural light. Then I remember last night. Under the stars as Lexa breathed loudly still sitting up. Breathed so loudly that I want to call it snoring. I remember looking up and telling Orion that ‘she swore she didn't snore.’ His twinkling figure almost chuckling with me, as her thin form teeters, threatening to topple off her seat.

I think of Orion though, and his triangular head looking back from darkened hues. “Purplish blue,” and as the colors roll of my tongue, I embrace that she believes I am useless and unworthy. That I am a useless as the sky is purple.

Her tone drops and she growls a little, “Pick one color.” Her growl has always been sexy, and the mood I am in now makes me want to duck my head into her lap and service her in anyway to make her pleased with me. The command is very present in the demand, but my urge to submit waivers. My body screaming to please her, but my mind telling me to stand up. I have to show her. I have to show her I'm worth it. That I'm more than a horney slut she picked up.

So with a little fight, I state, “I did.”

_I will show her I am intelligent. I will show her I'm not an idiot, even in this brave new world… With only women and we got jipped because where the fuck is the soma?_

Annoyance creeps into her words as she barks at me, “Crayolas, Klark!” Her accent is thicker and I can't tell if it's cause she’s getting pissed at me or she knows that the pulsing in my cunt has returned and I would gladly strip naked in the daylight and bend over the front of the car if she would push in with three and fill me. “Like Galaxy Black.”

“I don’t know the names of fucking crayons, Commander,” I answer. Then just to stir shit up a little more I add, “but if I had a box I would find one that is a dark purplish blue.”

Lexa articulates each word as though it’s a complete complete sentence, making her drawl a little more noticeable as the sentence feels like it takes forever to leave her lips, “No. One. Single. Color. Blue... or red... or white... or black.”

“Black is not a color, Lex,” I remind her for the umteenth time. “It’s a shade.”

“Oh my god! I thought being in the apocalypse would mean I get to shoot people,” She is flustered and it is adorable. But… wait a second… she just..

I swallow and shift in my chair. My back straight, I stare out the front window. The new position makes me feel every bump and dip in the road a little more fiercely.

Swallowing deeply, I try not to sound scared. I try to not show her that I am seriously worried about being so utterly pointless that I could see why she would want to shoot me. “You… want to...me? Shoot me?” Rubbing my hands over my knees, I see her head toss back a little from the corner of my eye.

Her chocolate curls tossing easily, as a hand makes it way up and tries to brush the stray strands from her face. Fighting the urge to offer to braid it for her so she can see me.

I chastise myself, _Well that was a fail. So much for not sounding worried._

Her chest rises and falls a little, as her lips move. Her lips telling me, “Maybe a flesh wound... like in the arm?”

I balk at her. Turn fully towards the driver’s side, as one leg tucks inward. The filtered air kicks in just as I move and I can smell the salty tang of my arousal that I am sure she could see just from my jeans.

I can’t focus on that though. The only thing left is to state my case, “It’s not my fault you ask an unanswerable question for no two people see color the same. But to answer you more fully concerning my knowledge of the science involving color, the sky at night is a bluish purple because of the reflection from sun and the moon giving a reddish tint that compliments the molecules which creates the blueish hue in the sky, which is the atmosphere surrounding Earth, and not the lack of molecules that make up what is known space; which often is described as the darkness that you are probably insinuating.” I feel my lungs begging for air as I ramble on just to share with her my  intelligence. To show her. Show her that I am more than a just useless. That I’m smart.

She scoffs and nods to herself, “Yep, in the arm.”

Unease creeps over me, and I remember the way he would get upset that I was talking down to him. The way he would always try to out do me, but falter so I would dumb it down. Pretend that I didn’t understand something so he could feel important. It was something I never had to do with Lexa. But she was frustrated and she wants to shoot me in the arm.

Irritation is boiling and mixing with my sexual frustration as I bark at her, “You would shoot me for being smart?”

Her eyes flash to me, and a grin was plastered on her face, “No, for being a pain in my ass.”

My eyes squint, and I grit my teeth. My chest rumbles awkwardly as I let out a wavering, “Grrrr.”

And laughter breaks from her chest as she exclaims, “Your growl is too cute.”

Mumbling, I move back in my seat, “I hate alphas.”

“What, Prisa?” she asks, still laughing.

“I HATE ALPHAS!” I yell while stomping my feet lightly.

My frustration just makes her chuckle more, as she says so warmly, it causes the flush to rise in my skin again, “You are funny and cute.”

“No! I'm pissy and horney. Can’t I just hide away and fuck until I die?” I exclaim. And her eyebrow quirks at me. I rub my hand over my still too wet for comfort center, and state, “I think I'm half zombie.”

The car swerves a little, and I laugh, as she says, “Wait, what?”

It already came out, so I just go with it, letting the sexual frustration flood me with unwavering confidence, “Yeah, I want to just eat you all day and night, but I'm still technically alive.”

Her mouth opens, and then closes. She tries to speak a few times, but finally just goes with, “What the fuck is wrong with you?!” I laugh harder, and she keeps going. Her mouth grimacing, as she says, “I'm like… seriously disturbed.”

My laugher is shaking me, and all I feel is how horney I am. So I tell her, just as I always use to tell her, “I'm horney!”

I’m rambling, and she is just silently gawking at the road, “I can't remember when the last time someone touched me vagina!”

_Wait is that even English? Fuck!_

Then I exclaim, “No, I can! It was me! Last night after you fell asleep! But before then? Fuck I don't know, months maybe years? I stopped counting…” I am not sure where I am going, but I just keep telling her, “Counting is depressing when you want to be sexy and you have a higher sex drive than the one with the dick.”

She’s so quiet, but I am in full confession mode, so I lay it out, “There must be something wrong with me. I mean you don't want me either. And Fuck!!! I want sex!” I try to growl again, but I jump.

I jump because her chest is revving, as a loud guttural growl expels from her lips, before she looks at me. Looks at my burning hot face, that is staring at her like she is the last of the water in the fucking desert.

Lexa is smiling as she says, “That’s how you growl, Prisa. You remember how much you used to enjoy me growling for you?” I feel my heat returning with a fury, and I reach over. I reach over, and pull her across the console, pressing my lips to hers.

Feeling her perfect grin match my angle and press together so perfectly. So perfectly like I was made to compliment her lips. Like this is exactly how it should be. That is until the tires hit the gravel, and Lexa is pulling back with her frantic eyes on the road.

Reaching up, I touch my lips. Feeling where she had let me kiss her. I try to savor the memory, but as I look over at her, she is sitting bone straight. Her body almost uncomfortable, and I feel the courage I had only moments before dissipate in familiar feeling of ridiculousness.

“I’m sorry.”

Lexa doesn’t answer though. Her eyes just locked on the road, and then tracking the green road sign that is coming up. Pointing to the glove box, she says, “Get the map, Clarke.” and I wish she would have called me that stupid nickname.

I don’t say a word, just twist and pop open the glove box. The map fell from the box as soon as the thing opened. I hold the map for her, and she takes it from me. I lean back in my seat, and look out my window. Losing myself in the trees as I hear the signal light click three times.

~~~~~

We exit the highway, and I see the large stores coming into view. I don’t know why but I still expect to see people moving around the stores, cars fighting over parking spots, or maybe these creatures that destroyed everything I use to know.

But there’s nothing there. The parking lots are actually mostly empty. There are no bodies in the street, and maybe this was what society looked like when Sunday used to be sacred.

“I have a question,” I’m not sure where it is coming from, or why I am talking to her, but I am hoping she may have answers for me.

She hums in response, and I guess that’s as good as I am going to get from her at the moment. So I ask my question, “Why don’t the zombie things try to eat each other?”

Lexa’s head tilts, and she answers me. Like seriously answers me, “I have always wondered that as well.” I stay quiet hoping she will continue, and luckily she does. “I honestly don't know. I mean from what I have seen they tend to travel in hordes, and part of me wants to say smell but I don’t see how that will be possible if smell is a sense connected to their no longer functioning brain.”

She really has a point. And she continues “I mean I don’t get how they see movement either since, well you know their eyes are all messed up.” I don’t know though. I have never seen what she is describing beside creepy makeup for shows like Fear the Walking Dead. I don’t know what to expect, like are they fast? It would explain more as to why they were able to hurt people so quickly.

“You didn’t see any did you?” she asks, and I am pulled from my thoughts to shake my head silently. _Reason number 562 as to why I am useless to them all._

Lexa doesn’t make me feel bad though, instead she starts explaining to me what she knows,  “It’s hard to describe really what they are like because they are all in a different stage of decomposition. Remember in Fear how they all looked like just your normal neighbors with glassed over eyes. I mean they are somewhat hard to like stab in the head because they still look like just people.”

“Are they fast?” I ask, but quickly follow with, “I mean... I feel like if they’re fast then... you know, it would make more sense.” I shrug a little and I look down at my bare arms. It feels somewhat weightless.

Lexa looks over the road. Her eyes scanning the parking lots for movement. She really is good at stuff like this. She answers me though, reaching over and taking my hand in hers. “They really don't have to be fast because they are never tired. Like they just don't stop. I think that's why they were actually powerful because they outnumber us, and no one wants to put a blade in Grandma’s head when she still looks like Grandma.”

Her answer is not funny, but I laugh at it anyways. A deep laugh that has me wiping at my eyes. “I know, I was always hilarious, Princess,” she says with a gentle squeeze.

As my head clears, I see the sign to what looks like a farmer’s market store. Pointing I bounce, “There! We need to stop!”

Lexa’s eyes follows my finger, and she is shaking her head, “That’s not the plan.”

“No, we need to stop. I know what we need,” I say, but she is still shaking her head. So I put my foot down, “Look I know you think I am an idiot about shit but there are somethings I know. For instance this weird shit we’re eating will be hitting our digestive track hard soon. Just please, I know… but let me do something of use.”

Lexa doesn’t answer. Of course she doesn’t answer. But she does pull into the abandoned parking lot. The Element pulls up along side us and Octavia hops out of the driver’s side.

I get out and let my pup out as well. He is busy sniffing around the car, as everyone stretches their limbs. We congregate between the two vehicles, and Lexa looks over the store that I asked her to stop in front of.

“You okay, Commander?” O asks, grinning like an idiot. “Looked like you were going to drive off the damn road a few minutes ago.” I know that she knows something, but I try to brush it off.

Lexa doesn’t acknowledge the question? just points down the road. “There are a lot of shops on this road. We have a chance to score so supplies. How about you three take that side of the street, and we’ll take this one.” Watching her, my chest constricts with arousal. She so collected that I envy her. I want them to listen to me like I'm worth something.

When I turn to take in the others, I see Raven standing slightly behind O. She's cool and just owning herself. Another habit I hope to learn. Octavia and Emori though are staring at me and then glancing at each other. Their expressions are filled with doubt and I shift uncomfortably under their gaze. I look back at the car and see my sweat in my chair from the open window.

I'm considering going back for my security covering when Emori says, “You want me to come with you all? I mean we all know Clarkie isn’t going to be much use if you run into trouble.”

I feel the flush rise in my cheeks, and I look down at the cracked pavement. _I’m going to show you all._

Lexa doesn’t do much more than glare at Emori. I don’t know if she is still jealous of Em, or if she’s just annoyed with the fact that Em is speaking.

But something in Lexa snaps.

Her speed is too much to contemplate as Lexa has her pressed against the Element with her fist wrapped in the collar Em’s shirt. “She’s not useless, and every single one of you had better stop fucking reinforcing this bullshit. We all have a fucking purpose.”

Octavia immediately tries to push her way in between them, but I know this is about to end in a fist fight. Lexa’s hands are shaking with rage, as Em is squirming trying to pull back but there is no place to go.

“You wanna fight, then fight me!” Octavia is screaming. I am trying to push O out of the way but for a tiny person, she is fucking strong. I get pushed I'm no match for her, but I keep trying. No one is going to get hurt for speaking the truth.

Raven has the most control though. Especially over O. She pulls Octavia away with minimal effort and is yelling at her, “Knock it the fuck off!”

With them both out of the way, I know. I know that Lexa is my responsibility. That throughout the entire friendship, I am the one to connect with Lexa. Bring her back to reality.

So I take on Lexa, even though her face is scarlet and I am probably going to end up laid out on the ground. But honestly, better me than Emori.

I close my hand over where Lexa is holding on to Emori. Screaming at Lexa won't do anything, so I give her me completely vulnerable. I give her me to pummel if needed.

And I beg, “Lex, please don’t do this.” Her eyes don’t move but her mouth is still snarling, so I add, “She didn’t mean anything out of it.”

Her rage turns to me with me excusing Em’s comment. Spit flies out of her mouth and I feel the speckles splash against my face as her words lash out at me, “You have said you are useless atleast six times, so you’re getting it from somewhere and it sure is not from me.”

I nod, even though I don’t believe it. Really I just absorb that I am hurting her by telling her how I feel.

I tell her what she needs to hear now, “You're right.” I rub her hand, “You have been amazing… Purple sky and all.” It's not enough though, so I add, “Em isn’t telling me I'm useless. When has she had time? I've been with you the whole time.”

Her eyes narrow, so I keep going, “She was joking, and that’s it. Just let go.” I feel her grip soften some, but she is still holding on. I push my fingers under hers, so she is holding my hand instead of the fabric.

Emori quickly slides out from being pinned to the SUV, and I slide in her place before Lexa can go after her again. So Lexa’s focus is only on me. Green eyes glaring at me. Looking down at my wrists and my arms. I don’t know what she sees but I lay it out for her. My truth.

I cry out a little too pathetically, “It’s just me… It’s just me being insecure. I want to have a purpose so I can be worthy of owning your ass.”

Her eyes narrow, and she looks down a little to see if the others behind her are close enough to hear. I reach up and shift her vision back to me though. One hand on her face, the other on her hand that I am holding it over my chest. Over my heart as I make my confession, “I just want to be worthy of the person that drove all the way to get me. To make up for all of those times I failed you when I was staring at a dog instead of listening, or for ignoring you while I was writing. Just let me show you.”

Lexa blinks a few times and then surges forward. Her lips taking mine, and her hands finding my hips. Pulling me into her so our bodies are flush.

Warmth flooding me as I tilt my head, opening my mouth. She slides her warm tongue between my lips to stroke my tongue. Deepening the kiss until I am using her to breath. Her being becoming my oxygen. My life force.

I hold her face to mine as her arms wrap around me fully, pulling me up to her level. And nothing has ever felt so right. So perfect. Her anger replaced by need as she consumes me.

Our moment is broken Raven clears her throat, and Octavia growls back at us, clearly still pissed, “I wanna say about fucking time, but seriously we had to almost have a brawl for you two kiss already?!”

Lexa pulls back, ignoring our friends protest and her head coming to rest against mine. “Mine,” she declares, and I never feel so comfortable with being claimed so publically. Her arms pull me in closer, and I rest my head on her shoulder. More quietly, that I barely hear her over the sound of her heart screaming, she adds, “Yours.”

_Mine. She says she's mine!!!_

We pull apart just enough for Lexa to drape her arm around me and keep me tucked into her. My sweatshirt seems almost unnecessary with her hold on me.  Her safety. Her protection.

Emori is standing a little distance away. I know she is freaking out and shutting down, and she has every right to be. Lexa shouldn't have reacted so strongly and to make things worse I gave her positive reinforcement for her starting a fight.

I can't let this be, so I nudge Lexa in the ribs slightly, and she looks at me. I nod to Emori, who is standing with her back to us. I need Lexa to apologize, and I know this may cause another fight.

Lexa closes her eyes. This is against her nature, apologizing when she feels she is in the right, but she gives into me as she slowly, says, “Emori… Sorry.” Truly the apology sucks, but it's the most that Lex is going to give.

Emori turns with a soft fake smile on her face. Her nails are scratching at her arm flesh becoming angry and inflamed. She doesn’t say anything  and even though I don’t know Em that well, I know she is shutting down.

I move forward, letting Lexa follow me with a hand still possessively on my lower back. She keeps her hand on me as I pull Emori into me, and I whisper into her ear, “Don’t shut us out. I’m here. I got you.”

She withdraws from my brief embrace and nods, before turning to the other two, “Let’s check out the other side, while they take this side.”

~~~~~

Lexa cleared the store for safety quickly. I was correct in my assumptions. Most people raid pharmacies, unaware of how potent essential oils and herbal remedies can be.

I’m squatting before the stand pulling out all of the essential oils present. The cart is already half way full with homeopathic cold and flu remedies, vitamins, protein mixes, and other things that may not be the most pleasant tasting of things but all the things in our cart will help us survive.

Lexa grunts from behind me, “If I knew you were going to take this long I never would have stopped.”

I chuckle, and flip her the bird, “Shut it Commander, before I make you.”

“Oh, look at the little omega trying to be tuff,” she snarks from behind me. I stand up with my hands full of small vials and before I can comment on the power of hypothetical omegas, she asks, “What is all this shit?”

I smile proudly, and puff up my chest, “Essential oils. Some you consume, some you just put on specific areas of your body to absorb.”

“Nerd,” she says, and I smile embracing my inner nerd. I’m not ashamed. She picks up a vial of tangerine oil and examines the bottle. “So, how do we know what to use for what?” I laugh, and hold up a finger. Moving around her, I pull several copies of texts from the small book stands.

I hand her one, and put the rest in the cart. I watch her shake her head, and silently chuckle. Waving the book at me, she says, “You’re something else, Prisa.”

Still laughing, I point down the aisle. “We can get a bunch of dog food and cat food bags here too,” I tell her, and I see an eyebrow quirk.

“You planning on getting even more strays?”

Her eyes look down at Monty, who is resting easy next to the cart. For a stray pup, he is surprisingly already pretty devoted. Looking down at him, “Think we can do without a collar and a leash?”

Lexa snorts, “What you going to get a tag saying please call my mommy?” I shove her shoulder, and she holds it making a face like she is in pain, “You wound me, Prisa.”

“Shut it, or I’ll tell everyone secretly you’re a cinnamon roll.” Lexa straightens up in her I'm a mother fucking bad ass stance, but I turn to head towards the dog food as though nothing's wrong. Yeah, I may have be baiting her a little, but it's worth it as I feel hands gripping at my hip bones, pulling me back into her. Her mouth immediately finding my neck. She growls knowing again what it does to me, and then nips at my neck.

My panties have worsened in condition by the time she releases her teeth from my neck. I can hear the smirk in her voice as Lexa states, “I’m not a cinnamon roll, and I’ll prove it if I have to.”

_Fuck me!_

_Prove it by fucking me._

But that would be to easy and Lexa doesn't like easy. Therefore, I'll just have to push a little harder.

“By shooting me in the arm,” I snark back at her, and her arm wraps around my waist. My ass grinding into her. Her other hand sliding down to cup my crotch. I feel my body quiver in her embrace. “You’re a cruel...” I start, but her fingers tap against my cunt, and my heat is reignited in full force.

I close my eyes and feel almost disconnected from my body as it whirls around with sparks flashing behind my lids. There's a lightness that comes from her touch, threatening to end me, and my body and mind are both screaming a silent, ‘yes,’ and ‘please.’

With her face buried into my neck,  she nips and sucks on the place where my neck meets my shoulder. Her hand pressing me further back into her, as her words vibrate over my nerves in steady waves of pleasure, “You have no idea how cruel I can be.”

I whine, just a little, “Please.”

And evil has a new face. Evil is Lexa fucking Trikru as she just laughs and releases me. Evil is the way she walks away from me like I am just a game. Evil is the pain of my third almost release that she builds up only to walk away.

Turning around, my eyes can barely focus on her pulling the tennis ball out of her pocket and bounce it right in front of Monty’s face. Mind reeling that she would rather play with the dog then get me off doesn't help my situation as I consider ways to mount her and possibly even hump her damn leg if it comes to it.

Monty is up on his lanky legs though. His tail wagging furiously waiting for her.

 _Poor boy, she’s probably just teasing you too._  However, she tosses the fucking ball in the store. My mouth gaping open as I take in her true, _Bitch!_

With Monty taking off after the projectile, I take advantage of her back to me by rushing into her. Wrapping my arms around her, and pressing kisses to the back of her neck, appreciating the elastic band holding her brown tresses from her beautiful skin.

“Two can play this game,” I whisper, and reach up cupping her breast and kneading the flesh in my hand. I hear a subtle moan, and I smile knowing I am getting to her.

I know that it has been longer for her than it has been for me. Her rut was usually around the same time as mine, so I know there is a chance, I could totally set her off, but our ministrations are interrupted as Monty barrels back to us and beats into Lexa’s crotch with a loud _thump!_ followed by Lexa bending forward and taking me over her.

My back hits the ground and I feel the air leave my chest with a loud huff. I feel like I’m broken and I stare up at the hanging tongue over my face. Monty is smiling at my pain. “Dick,” I say.

Lexa is holding her crotch, gesturing to the dog, “I didn’t mean to! It was your damn dog!”

I wave at her from my place still on the floor, “I was talking to the dog.” Her hand comes into my view and I grab it. She pulls me far too easily from the floor. I feel my lungs burning with each deep breath, and it's worse when she pulls up my shirt a little to look at me

I grab the shirt and rip it from her hands, growling, “What the fuck are you doing?”

Her hands come up, and she points to the shelves around her. “You are too light. Find something to eat.”

I fold my hands over my chest, and glare at her, “You don’t get to do this.”

Lexa steps closer, her nose towering over me, as I stare up at her. Her eyes down on me, as she wraps her hands around my rib cage. She knows that is playing dirty. Knowing that is one of my weaknesses, but when her fingers touch in the middle, she looks me in the eye, stating, “He starved you in that house. You have been starving yourself since we left. I don't’ know what is keeping you from eating… but Clarke… I need you strong.”

Her words sink in and I embrace what she is telling me, as my stomach responds for itself. Her hands lower a little, and I stiffen worried about what she will feel. She doesn’t flinch, just tolds me just over my belly, and says, “Even your stomach is telling me I’m right now.”

I roll my eyes and move to the protein bar aisle. Many of the items are already gone, but I find a few stray bars in the back of the boxes. I check the date, and quickly pull the wrapper off. The chocolate on my tongue has me moaning out, and Lexa grabs my hand taking a bite of what I am chewing on. She barely gets a nip before, I pull it back, and answer with a mouthful, “Mine.”

~~~~~

We hit a few more shops, like a linen shop, because I am still butthurt they didn’t grab my blankets. Lexa rolls her eyes, but let’s me pick what I want. I think she is slightly amused that I spend too much time matching my sheets for what she promises in a full bed at the cabins.

When we are back in the car, she reaches over and takes my hand. “Prisa, close your eyes for me.”

I look at her, but a smile is playing on her lips, and I trust that she would never ask something of me that I shouldn’t trust. So I close my eyes and hold them closed. It doesn’t take long for me to feel the car coming to a stop, and her hand squeezes mine softly. “Keep them closed, please,” she tells me, and then her hand is gone.

I worry when I hear her door close. I worry that if something goes wrong, I will not be there to help after she put so much confidence.

The wait for what feels like hours. Even Monty whines in the back, and I know he feels it too. Too long. It's too long and I am about to open my eyes.  

My heart races, but my door opens, and I hear her voice as I prepare to open my eyes, “I got you, Princess.” There’s a definite smile in her voice, and I trust her, so I let her lead me through the sun baking down on my head. Her hand comes up to cover my eyes, and I press my hands to the one she has over them.

I stumble a little but Lexa’s arm is there to catch me, my dog padding behind us. She whispers, “I cleared the store while you were still in the car, so feel free to wander and choose what you want, but just know ten is your limit.”

Her hand comes off and I open my eyes to see the dark dust of the familiar store. We may be hundreds of miles from Phoenix, but there is no doubt by the hundreds of books on the shelves that we are in a Barnes and Noble.

I feel like a princess at a grand ball with all of my favorite people. Shelves and shelves of books just waiting for me. I look at Lexa who is standing by with a proud grin. Her eyes sparkling in the dim light as she holds up her hands. “Ten, Princess.”

My mouth drops, “But… Lex-”

“Ten,” she says again and I feel like I am being punished for something.

Looking around, I respond, “What are we on a budget?”

She huffs out a laugh, and takes my hips in her hands, pulling me flush with her again, and says, “I promise we will come back for more, but for now, I know that just ten will take us forever.”

I rest my head on her chest, and whine, “There are seven Harry Potter books, Lex.”

She’s laughing again, and points to back to the parking lot. “I already saved your Potter books from the house. Choose what you want.”

She turns me then and sets me loose. I wander the shelves, and pick up a copy of _The Little Prince._ Holding it up to Lexa, I say, “You have to read this one. This one changed my life.”

Lexa takes it and points down the aisle. I smile and move forward, picking up title after title, and placing each in her hands, explaining how important it was to me, like how _Brave New World_ made me drop out of a Pre-Med program, along with _Never Let Me Go_ . Her smile grows impossibly bigger, as I hand her the dark cover of _Unwind_ , just saying, “You’ll love this one.”

When Lexa has ten in her hands, she says, “Okay, Princess. You chose your ten.”

I laugh then, and point to the pile, “Those are your ten. I am picking my ten now.”

Her head is shaking, but she lets me gather up ten more books that I haven’t read yet. Well technically there were fifteen but two of the original books were in box sets, which technically only counted as one each.  Lexa is tapping her foot behind with me, her arms loaded with books, as I turn the corner to head down another aisle.

“Clarke, you already have your limit and mine apparently. We need to get going,” she says.

I turn to her, and pout out my lower lip, but she is shaking her head, “No, Prisa, ain't gonna work.” Her drawl is thick and I know she is playing me again. “We need to go.”

I sigh, and reach for a pile of my books from her hands. intentionally I run up her arm. I know she's stubborn and this shouldn't get to her. But it works.

She drops everything in her hands to the floor though, and grabs me as fast as she had Emori. She grabs me by the waist, lifting me up to wrap my legs around her. My back hits the end of the dense bookcase, and presses her lips to mine. Biting at my lower lip, she whispers between kisses, “I don’t want to see you pout,” and then, “you spoiled brat.”

I giggle into her kisses, and let her have access to my lips and my neck. Her lips falling to the tops of my breasts. I feel her sucking a deep mark into my flesh, and I push at her a little. Her eyes lift, shining, as she tells me, “Mine, Klark.” Her cocky grin is almost too much for me to handle.

Nodding, I agree, “Yours.”

As her lips meet mine this time it's not as hungry. It's gentle and sweet. A slow caress of her lips against mine. Her tongue soft as satin. Precious just like she is. We adjust but just breath out against each other's skin.

I don't want to let her go. Just stay in this moment with her, as I feel her completely bare to me.

Each angle deliberate and keeping us as close as possible. I breath in Lexa.

I breath her within and she becomes apart of me. Making individual chemistry shatter so she imbeds within me. Our tongues dancing a complicated tango as passion mixed with something deeper explodes within me.

Her hands holding me as my body begs for her to possess me. But even as her finger knead the flesh of my ass, it's soft. As though I'm fragile and I feel important. Like I'm important to her. More than just a possession.

“I don't know if I can handle this much gross from you two! I mean group chat use to be bad enough, but now we have to watch you two attached all the time is torture,” the small chihuahua woman cries out ruining yet another moment for us. Lexa’s groan is once again a panty dropping growl, and I am so pissed I could gladly send O into her next life as a cannibal.  

Glancing over Lexa’s shoulder, I glare at the source of the voice. I have never been more annoyed with Octavia. I do not know how she always manages to interrupt my moment, but damnit me and her need to have a heart to heart. Or a beat down. Whichever she prefers.

Lexa carefully let’s me down, my legs weak and wanting shake uneasily under me. Her arms release me to pick up my prizes. As she bends something in the front of the store catches my eyes. I tug on Lexa’s arm and her eyes follows to where I am pointing.

She laughs as the others just look at us as though we lost our damn minds. “Prisa,” she warns, but I know she will never deny me this.

I run to the stand, and grab a flat colored book. The darkness muting the scarlet color, but I hold it up. “It's the new Harry Potter, Lexi!” I stare into her eyes, and beg, “Anything… Puh-lease!!!”

I see the smirk spread across her face, as she says, “just remember that promise, Prisa.” And I swallow thickly but as I pull the book to my chest and hug it, I know whatever she has planned will be fine, because I can't doubt she wants me anymore.

_Yeah, maybe she more than wants me._

And part of me wants to believe she even loves me… _Maybe._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave comments and kudos. Please please please! They make us so happy, and want to dig a little deeper.


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